Her father wasn't her father

From Anonymous:

I was 28 years old when, during a ride to town my mother told me a secret she had kept for herself all those years. At that time, I had an 18 months boy and a 4 months old baby. Suffering from post partum depression I was sharing with my mom how afraid I was to be in depression for a long time and end my life as my dad who was in a nursing home suffering from a disease similar to Alzheimer. 

She answered me by saying that she had something to share and that it would be for my good. She said I didn't have to worry about being like my dad because he wasn't my real dad. I remember so well this event. As I was driving and thinking in the same time, I didn't know really what to think. 

She asked me if I wanted to knonw who my real dad was, and sure I wanted to know. He was actually my neighboor who had 7 children of his own and who had died 18 years before. My mother made me promise that I would never share this secret with anyone. Maybe, if I wanted I was able to tell my husband, but none others (and especially not her other children). 

She had never told anyone about it, not the man who was my real dad nor the man I used to call Dad. After this talk she never came back to this subject again, even though I tried to come back on it. She shortly after that adopted a muslim young man who was my age.

Growing up, I never felt very close to my dad, and I did like very much my neighboor, and his family, playing with his children and being close to them. One of his daughter even made my hairstyle on my wedding day.

I was afraid of my mother, and growing up, I don't remember having gone against her will. But as time passed after the secret was unfolded to me, I started feeling angry at every one, even those I loved the most : my husband and children. 

As christians we wanted to do the best, yet something was hindering me from being the wife and the mother God wanted me to be. I finally shared with others my secret, and I wrote to my mother two years ago, asking her to open her heart to her other children - who are my brother and sister as well. I told her all about my heartache, and how I, in my teen years, was always feeling guilty and impure though I didn't know why. 

She didn't take it very well. I wanted a true relationship with her and not a shallow one as it was at that time. I asked her if we could write to each other instead of calling, not mentioning that when she called I was feeling tied up and not able to open my heart for fear of rejection. She didn't aggree with that. I assured her of my love, and told her that if she didn't want to share her secret I would do it, as kindly and respectfully as possible. She didn't aggree with that either. 

So I shared, because it was very difficult for me to live with this secret in my heart. It was the secret of my identity, and I couldn’t keep it for myself. I wanted to be who I truly am, and not trying to hide again a secret that almost destroyed my marriage and my life.

The Lord was good to us, and through this freeing process - at least for me- our couple is doing much better, and I am learning to give my anger and my feeling of guilt, my fears of rejection to God, and this is a wonderful thing. 

Yet, the sad part is that my mother doesn't want to correspond with me. I sent her a gift for her birthday, and my love as well. But for my own birthday in december last year, I received a card. She used to call me her little girl, and there it was only Hello. She started her card with sharing with me the questions a mother asked herself while looking at her baby girl 34 years ago. "How will she be? Will she love God? How will she face life? How will be her husband and children? And she finished by writing those two questions? Will she be willing to be close to her mother when she will grow older? and If disease would appear, would she be a help to her mother? Then she answered her own questions: "34 years after her mother has the answer, Happy birthday, mother"

That was a hard blow on me, but Praise God, He gave me His peace. And I was able, only by God's grace, to remain calm, as before I would have been mad, and again struggling with feeling of unworthyness, or anger. I am not any more in contact with my mom for the moment, but I do love her dearly, and pray for her, because I know she is hurting and she needs healing and true freedom. 

Though she is well recognized in her church, I fear she is not really experiencing freedom in Jesus. What happened 34+ years ago is history, and I am part of this history. I don’t judge my mother for what she did, even though I am sad that she, a commited christian, did commit « adultery ». God forgives, and we sure are called to forgive as well. I am here, and my husband is happy that I am here too ! But only the truth can really set us free.

This story is a story of a family secret, but also of victory in Jesus.

Thanks for stopping by My Family Secrets

I'm heartened by those of you who made your way here through the ABC story. Go ahead and browse through the secrets. On the right hand side of the site, you'll see several different categories--sexual abuse, finding out you had a relative you didn't know about, domestic violence. You may find people who are kindred spirits, who have walked the road you've walked. You may want to encourage someone. You may even want to tell your own secret.

My hope is that you find the courage to let go of a secret here. It's only a first step. Hopefully, by posting anonymously, you'll then have the courage to find a good, loving friend who will shoulder your secret alongside you. Healing truly comes in the light and in community.

I write extensively about healing from a difficult past over at my website, if you're interested.

Warmly,
Mary DeMuth
http://www.twitter.com/MaryDeMuth
http://www.facebook.com/AuthorMaryDeMuth

Hard to know if her mother abused her

I thought this was an interesting/sad secret. Has anyone else gone through this? Anonymous wrote it in response to this post: http://blog.myfamilysecrets.org/2010/04/shes-attracted-to-women.html

Reading this was like reading a page from my own diary. Several times I had to stop and reassure myself that I hadn't written it myself and forgotten. I too have very vague memories of sexual inappropriateness and a strained relationship with my mother. I confided in my sister once that I wondered if my mother molested me and asked if she had ever experienced anything like that. She said no and then proceeded to tell all of our immediate and extended family that my mother molested me. I was in the early stages of therapy and just starting to work out these images in my head and the lid was blown completely off. I want to be close to my mother, but all of my life I've kept her at a distance emotionally, not sure why. Her response has always been to suffocate me with emotions and affection. It makes me feel stalked and hunted. I cannot stand for her to touch me. It just feels like too much, like she is forcing herself on me and my life. I always wonder if I feel this way because she molested me when I was a little girl. I don't have any solid memories of that, but I know that the way I recoil from her is not normal. I wish I could meet you. We are living parallel lives.

What about the families who are victimized by offenders? Where is the support

This comment came across the transom today, and I thought it had merit on its own.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Son a registered sex offender ":

Well, I don't have a story like any of yours. Mine is about my ex-husband, the father of my son. Aren't there any other mothers out there whose sex offending former partners obsess with thoughts and actions of revenge against the mom despite the damage such blind hatred does to their own children?
After THE phone call in May of 1997,I got myself on a plane with my kid, my cat and my clothes never to return again other than to satisfy the ad nauseum parade of neverending legal posturings. I have spent every second of my life protecting my son no matter what personal toll on me it has cost and it's been debilitating.

For 14 years I have been trying to predict or second guess what torture my sex offending ex-husband would dream up next for me that would inevitably have terrible fallout on our son, a detail my ex never considered. If not for my love and devotion for my son and my dedication to overcompensate for all the things he deserved to have in a father and didn't? I'd have no reason to be on Earth at all and trust me, mine has been turned into a life not worth living otherwise.

By the way, I just want to go on record as saying that Family Court is worse than a total joke; it is definitively anti-child and anti-woman. It has nothing to do with protecting children or abused mothers. It's only interest is in covering its own ass and protecting the rights of the offenders. Sorry...I had to add this bit about family court because it's true and it's sick. My ex-husband has continued to offend and has managed to slip by on technicalities each time. The CURRENT problem is that he is now stalking my son's former step-sister who is now a junior in college. My ex molested her when she was 12 and got away with it because she didn't know what an erection was and couldn't 'prove arousal'. She is completely freaked out that he is stalking her after all these years now and the family called me to let me know they had to take out another restraining order against my ex a few months ago. I don't know what to tell my 19 year old son. It never ends....

Why do we mothers not speak up too? Aren't we also victims of the same person's pathology? My life has been totally ruined as a result of this man and keeping my child on solid ground has been damn near impossible to do. So why aren't we recognized as victims and why don't we say something?

It's simple; we are mothers. Our lives immediately become absorbed with damage control around undoing and preventing more damage being done to our own children first. Secondly... As mothers? Our hearts bleed deeply for those young victims and their families and our shame such a terrible thing came from our family is stultifying and debilitating. We are concerned for their survival thanks to what our loved one did. We have no reason to feel guilty and yet it crushes us. It's horrible. The only coping mechanism I've found that works after all these years is total isolation. I live in a bubble...nobody gets in and everyone gets kicked out. It's just safer that way.

That is my story. I was hoping to find others with similar tales if I Googled 'Families of sex offenders' but what I got was your support group for people who love their sex offending family members, misjudged or not. While I support your group's intentions to make sure the rights and safety of your loved ones are not violated, yet again, this is not a community meant for me. I am the exact opposite. If my sex offending family member dropped dead today? My sense of relief would be epic...maybe I'd be able to breathe again someday.

ANONYMOUS

Come to my new site!

I've launched a new look, providing more help for those who are overcoming a difficult past at the new and improved MaryDeMuth.com. I'd love your feedback!

So stop on by. Leave a comment. Linger. Read the archives. Share your own thin places story, a time when God came near, here.

For all you writers out there: Find out how you can write a powerful nonfiction or fiction book proposal here.

Find a listing of all my speaking topics, including new ones about healing from the past, here.

Like photos and photography? Here's a recent listing of my photos.

Don't know what to fix for dinner? All my recipes from A Daily Recipe are on this site. Click on Recipes on the upper part of the site to see over 90 recipes.

And if you'd like to read even more about writing, publishing, and the writing world, click the Writing link on the top of the site.

With joy,
Mary DeMuth
founder of My Family Secrets

Her mother may have used drugs while pregnant?

From Anonymous:

Well a couple of days ago, I was talking about my birth, whilst we were sat on the car, my dad was teling me about it, then when he reached the sentence, your mum took alot of drugs (good ones) she paused and coughed, and said only paracetamol, my mum is a caesarian for me but somehow they have a secret that has never been told and only prevented it from me noticing, it was something to do with my brain because the way i act is different but people treats me the same way so she might\'ve told others and my school probably.

Grandfather Abused Grandmother. She kept it a secret.

From Anonymous:

This past week I went to my grandmother's funeral. Listening to everyone talk about how she was a "straight-shooter" with a wonderful, loving, caring, disposition, just made me angry, to the point where I almost had to walk out of the service. Why? 'Cause I know that it is all a lie. No one could keep family secrets like my grandmother.

For forty years, my grandfather abused her, to the point that in the late 80s he was threatening her with murder/suicide. This was all kept from myself and her other six grandchildren. On the surface, everyone acted as if we were the perfect family. I did not find out about the abuse or the murder/suicide threats until I was 22 and recently married.

It was such a shock, such a dark revelation, that I was sent into a major depression which eventually culminated in a psychotic episode. I broke with all reality because, quite simply, I realized that my reality was a lie, a deliberate lie crafted by my parents, my uncles, my aunts, my grandmother. My wife could not handle the fact that her husband of less than a year was psychologically broken, and left not only after our first anniversary; looking back, I do not blame her one bit.

Now, I understand that my grandfather is the real problem here. He abused my grandmother, who in turn developed a sick co-dependency aimed at covering up the abuse and pretending that everything was perfect. The problem is that now we are a family that focuses only upon the surface of things.

None of us really know each other. I went to the funeral, and realized that I am stranger to all of my closest family members. We cannot go deeper because deeper would mean facing the reality that we're not one big, happy, perfect, family. So, I am angry, genuinely angry, at my grandmother for NOT being honest, and the rest of the family in colluding with her in that. Going to the funeral, I felt as if I am the one-eyed man in the land of the blind.

She lost her virginity when her mom was in ICU

From Anonymous:

When my mom was in the ICU I had sex with my good friend his name I will not say. It was my first and it is not that feel ashamed I feel really akward in a way. Now I am 19 and most of my friends have lost there virginty to guys that were jerks. I do not regert losing my virginty to my friend but I will not talk to my friends about this I just find it to personal.

At that time I felt scared and vunerable becuase my mom was in the hospital and they said she would die. I was not taken advantage at all I consented to this. I think about this  and thought the person I would lose it too would be a person I love.

Despite having a dysfunctional realtionship with my mom it changed after her almost passing away. I was able to open up to her a few days ago. we were at a dollar store when I told her akward right? She offered to buy me a pregancy test and said no matter what happens I love you and I am sorry I was not there to talk about this and that you have options if its postive but its what you can live with.

My mom had an abortion many years ago but at the time she had the abortion she had there was little knowledege about the fetus. There are days where she regrets but the father of child was not ready. Luckily I was not pregant I have also been on birth control but wanted to know for sure. But I am glad although this is an werid topic for me it seem to make me and my mom closer.

Her husband is abusing their daughter

From Anonymous:

hi, am 38 from dubai, my husband 43 he always want to "sleep" with our 15 years daughter. How can i controle? i am in big depression what can i do?

Is it better not to know the truth?

From Anonymous:

When I was ten years old, I got a sudden urge to ask my father whether he had been married before. I had never thought about it, but the question just popped into my head and I asked it. He got quiet and said yes. I asked him if he had children. He said yes, my brother.

Until this point I had been under the impression that my brother and sister were twins. They were both the same age, though they celebrated their birthdays a month apart (my mother said it was to stop the fighting when they were younger, that was due to birthday jealousy). I was devastated. But my brother is my brother, so I did not think much of it after that day.

Slowly secrets started to unravel. I found out my mother was actually 5 years younger than she claims. Which means she was pregnant at 15. My father is 22 years her senior, which means he must have impregnated her when he was in his thirties. I was disgusted when I found this out, and my hero slowly began to disappear. I love my father though, and I liked to think that age was just an obstacle that my parents overcame for their love. They have yet to sleep in the same room for the past 7 years, so I realized this was not the case.

I am now 19. Today, at dinner, my aunt (whom I rarely seen...my extended family is very estranged which I found out was because of racism on my fathers side due to my mother being African American, and years of abuse on my mothers side) said in passing \"well your oldest is not your biological daughter but you treat her just as well..\" I am the youngest of three, so I have come to find out that not only is my brother only my half brother, but my sister is as well. My family has been built on a whole web of lies, and I do not know whether I should ask more questions, or just pretend that I did not hear that statement, as I had at dinner. I cannot help but think that had I not asked my father if he was married before, then my life would be so much better.

Mom had a secret: an abortion

From Anonymous:

Secret: i am 13 years old and today i was talking to my mother while she was making one of her fabulous dinners. i discovered one of the most shocking secrets of my life. she told me she had an abortion when she was 20 years old, when she was in the navy. she told me this while her and i were just talking about how her co-worker just had a baby with holes in it\'s brain (im not sure if it was a boy or girl) before she had told me this horrifying secret i had just said im really against people that have abortions because her co-worker was considering getting an abortion...when she told me she had an abortion i felt sick to my stomach and almost disgusted at her and myself for saying im against abortions and not knowing my own mother had one. soon after i asked if she has STD\'s...she told me she has herpes. i didnt know what to say or do..i have lived my life not knowning my mother had an abortion and at that, herpes!! just to think i could of had an older sibling that would be almost 20...this makes me wonder what other kind of secrets my parents have been hiding from me. my mom said she tells me everything but i dont know, maybe she thought i was too young to know and i think i still am and i wish she never told me...i would have never guessed my loving, most amaazing mother would have done such a cruel thing or have a disease lerking in her body that could have been passed on to me or my younger sister or even my father.

my mother has been through alot in her life. she was put up for adoption a few weeks after she was born because her biologicial mother was skitsofranic. she was in a foster home for 7 years, moving back and forth with no real family. when she was adopted her life was great her family had lots of money, going on family trips, being spoiled... but one day she found out her adopted dad was stealing money from where he worked, i believe he worked in stocks of some sort. after that he was sent to jail for a very long time. her adopted mom then divorced him and my mom, my grandma, and my uncle were forced to live in a crappy house with no food or money. my grandmother became so stressed from the divorce, no money, & my uncle being an idiot by getting arrested..she became abusive to my mom. i feel horrible for my mom every day. i will never know what her life is like...but i love her no matter the choices shes made in her past life because i know she isnt proud of it.

Behind close doors, her parents were anything but upstanding.

From Anonymous: I am 42 years old, have five children from four different men.  I am currently in my third marriage.  My parents have been married for 43 years and, to the world, are \"good people.\" My father is very proud to declare that he does not nor has he ever drank alcohol.  They comment to anyone who will listen that they do not know why I am this way, since they did not raise me this way.  I have always felt like a bad, dirty girl.  Why?  That is all I ever heard from my mother.

My parents were secretly involved in swapping and pornography.  It seemed as if every weekend was a different couple coming to our home to party. I could never go to my parents when I needed them at night, because I never knew what I might encounter.  I remember nights when I wet the bed because I was afraid to get out of my bed.  The children of these people always stayed in my room, and that was often not safe.  My brother molested me for a short period of time.  When I told my mother about this, she did nothing.  I remember she was washing dishes, and never even turned around.  I realized then that it did no good to say anything, so I kept silent from then on. 

We moved often.  When we lived in Michigan, I was repeatedly molested by the teenage boys in the neighborhood.  I was a quiet, shy little girl that loved to stay in my room (where it was safest) and read.  My mother would force me to go outside, and lock the door so that we could not come back in.  She would tell me that it wasn't normal to always stay inside.  I would try to hide in the woods with a book as my companion, but sometimes they would find me.  I never told anyone because it wouldn't have mattered.  Luckily, we only lived there for two years.  It seemed like two long years! 

When we moved to Illinois, I was in the third grade.  A classmate found my Dad\'s pornography when she used our bathroom, and told everyone in class the next day.  I was ridiculed on the playground.  The popular girls danced around me, calling me \"dirty girl, dirty girl.\"  Like I had never heard that before.  Thankfully, we moved to another town, another school before the year was over. 

There were also various occasions with other family members.  I felt as if I was not safe anywhere, with anyone. 

There is so much more, but these are the secrets that, until I read Thin Places, I have never spoken aloud.  I have told my husband a little of what I have typed here.  I have told no one about my brother, though. Too shameful.  Last year, my 4 year-old granddaughter told her daddy that my brother's son \"hurt her pee-pee\".  My family, mostly my parents, told her father that she must be telling tales, that it could not possibly be true.  I told my daughter that I was molested by a similar family member, and that she should believe my granddaughter and do whatever she could to help her.  She then told my parents this, and I am now considered a liar.  I did not even mention my brother.  So, I do not have a relationship with my parents anymore, not a good one anyway.  Nothing was ever done with my nephew, but my daughter and her husband are trying to get my granddaughter help.  I grew up with two brothers.  My youngest brother committed suicide in 1996, when he was 25.  The brother that molested me is an unemployed drug addict, and my parents financially support him.  Yet, I am the bad seed.  I know this is not true, but painful anyway.    

Molested by Stepfather

From Anonymous: I am a 36 year old woman who is single with no children. That is my title as of now, hopefully things will change for the better once I get some things off my chest.

I was molested by my stepfather from the age of 9 to I don't know when. There was never intercourse, but alot of touching and indcent gestures and mumblings. I was always asking myself "..did he say what I thought he said?". I later found out as a young adult that he did the same thing to my younger sister.

To this day, I ask myself if I did anything to deserve this. I never knew my blood father and I wasn't close to family on my mother's side so I felt alone. I was afraid of telling because everyone seemed to love him. Who would have beleived me? If I told my mother, would she blame me for ruining her maraige? Where would I go and how could I leave my little sister there?

To this day I don't have a close relationship with my sister or my mother because my sister told my mother and my mother stayed with him. We were adults and not living at home at the time it all came out, but how could you stay with a man who does that to your child? We later found out that my grandather did the same thing to my mother and her sisters.

She is having a hard time

Secret: I am a college student that just finished my first year of college and I am now in summer school. I am 19 years old and have faced a lot more than most kids would my age sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and a very dysfuntional family. Even though my mom is a therapist herself she has no boundries at all my dad is an engineer and my brother is an accomplished person part of the u.s army. I myself am a full time student at a community college going to summer school right now. My mom feels the need to put me in therpy and throw anti-depressants at me becuase she has no pareting skills at all. Her dad was an abusive drunk and her mother cared about her looks. The only person she said made her who she was today was her nanny named Lola. I am in school and the only class I am taking is a music history class and I am doing okay but I beat myself up when I do not do that well. I feel like I am going to have a nervous break down becuase of all the tramua I have had in my life. I was never religous and I do not intend to start. I just felt the need to say these things.

He wants to step back into his son's life

Secret: This could get lengthy, and as I typed it I realized how complicated it is.

Late in high school I went through the usual teen angst rebelling against my parents, didn\'t want to be compared to my two older brothers, etc. and in retrospect was just in a bad place. I ended up getting her pregnant and was there when the baby was born in early 1998, however I exited the picture not long thereafter. Everyone in my family, while probably disagreeing with my actions, respected my decision and left it alone. It was a bad time in my life that I don\'t like to talk about nor care to remember.

I went on with my life, got married in 2003. I\'m Catholic, she\'s Jewish. We were married by a rabbi because at that time I told my fiancée that we\'d raise our kids in both faiths and a Catholic priest was not cool with that. As time went on, with no kids, I came to the conclusion we should do one or the other. She\'s pretty bent on raising them Jewish.

At the end of November my father passed away. After a few months I decided I wanted to back in full communion with the church, because that\'s how he brought me up, so I contacted our parish priest and told him that \"Yes, she\'s pretty stubborn about it but I\'m committed to trying to get her to change her mind and doing what I can to make sure any children we have are raised Catholic.\" So last weekend our marriage was blessed by the church (yay!).

This brings us to the present day. My brothers have kids, her sister has a boy, all in all we have six nephews and one niece. You can imagine my wife has baby fever. I\'m hesitant to have a baby now because we can hardly afford our own lives, plus she never graduated high school (which I didn\'t find out about until 5 years of marriage - but that\'s another therapy session) and smokes pot. She had quite for a while but recently restarted. I\'m not comfortable bringing a baby into that situation. I think she\'ll quit smoking if she\'s pregnant but I really, really believe she has no intention of *ever* finishing high school. What\'s incredibly aggravating about that situation is she was laid off in January 2009, and between then and October was turned down for at least two jobs because of those two issues (one required a urine test and the THC showed up and the other called her HS, which of course said she was a 1/2 credit short - that\'s how I found out). One would think that if either of those prevented a job the problems would be remedied. I almost feel like she\'s not the woman I married almost seven years ago. Anyway…

It\'s probably seeing my brothers with their kids, my father\'s passing, wanting to raise a child Catholic, all of that plus the main fact that I feel like I\'ve been a terrible father, that I want to reach out and see if it\'s too late to be a part of his life. He\'s only 12 so hopefully he hasn\'t reached the point where he totally understands what happened. But I also find myself wondering if he\'s at all like me. Did he get my long eyelashes? Does he have the wave in his hair like I do that I got from my dad? I have so many questions that I want answered but I\'m worried that his mother will reject me. I want to take it all very, very slow; I don\'t think it would serve anyone well for me to just show up. I was thinking I\'d call his mother, ask her to meet me somewhere to have coffee or lunch and just talk. Get her input on the matter. Then maybe do the same with him. The three of us go out to lunch. Then introduce my wife, my family, all of that, but slowly. The other thing that worries me is that he has a younger brother in the same situation. She got pregnant and the father left. I\'m worried that he\'ll ask questions, like \"Why does Josh have a dad now? Where\'s mine?\" If I had the financial means I wouldn\'t hesitate to be a father to him too. Obviously if we went to a ballgame I\'d invite him along but I can\'t be responsible for his schooling, clothes, etc.

I\'ve also taken into consideration how this was going to explained to my niece and nephews. How their uncle had a baby when he was very young but couldn\'t be there for him. How they have a cousin they\'ve never met, and likely won\'t. I\'ve decided it\'s not fair to them, or anyone in my family.

But my biggest overall concern is how to handle this situation and will I be accepted. I\'m sure they have some unkind words for me, which I richly deserve, but at the same time, doesn\'t it say something that I\'m finally stepping up? I\'ll always regret missing the first 12 years but I really want to be there now, especially since my father passed. That\'s when I realized what I had and what he should have had.