Would love an apology

Anonymous wrote this in response to this post about abusing someone else and asking for forgiveness.

I would love to hear an apology or be asked to forgive my abusers. But that will never happen. My grandfather is dead. My mom doesn't see that she ever did anything wrong. I've tried imagining what would happen if I ever saw her again and told her I forgive her and it's not a pretty image. I could see her smacking me for being disrespectful and then to proceed to tell me I should be asking for forgiveness not the other way around.

Receiving an apology from those that knew about the abuses but did nothing to protect me would be nice too but there again I know I will never get that.

I too pray that those who have abused will find the strength to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

I also pray that those who are abuse survivors can find a way to forgiven even if you don't receive an apology. Life without forgiving those that hurt you is more difficult because you can't let go of the hurt, anger, pain. Forgiving is something that you might have to do over and over again, I do, but doing so makes my life happier. Always remember that we should forgive because God forgives us.

Feeling of forgiveness followed the words

Anonymous wrote this in response to this post about the journey of forgiveness.

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I too dealt with molestation, and then my mom accused me of seducing my step-father at 5 years old. I was only able to forgive because God gave me the power.

In my situation, I saw a man at an altar who repented of rape. God asked me if I had any trouble forgiving him and accepting him as a brother in Christ. When I found I did not, God asked me why then would I be any different than that man's victim. So, I began to pray about it. Eventually, God told me that I did not have to forgive, but simply be a vessel that He could use. When I finally reunited with my step-father, the words of forgiveness came out of my mouth without my planning, but the feeling of forgiveness followed the words.

A dark cloud had followed me for years as I thought the whole world could tell I was a victim, but that seemed to disappear when I let God forgive my step-father through me. I still remember the events from our past, and people tried to say I had to forget to truly forgive, but God showed me this was not true. He forgave Israel for their unbelief, but they still walked in the wilderness one year for each day of their doubt. If we forget, we cannot learn, but in forgiving, we can be set free from remembering with a desire for retaliation attached.

Here's what I have found to be most important: We let go and let God and eventually hope to be free enough to see our victimizers the same way I saw the repentant rapist. Why? Because anything we still hold onto can be a divider between us and our Creator who loves us. He simply does not want to be rejected by us, and if we try to face our issues on our own, we must turn away from Him in order to do so. However, if we trust our issues into His hands, we can face them and still face Him at the same time.

If you abused someone else, prayerfully consider apologizing

FROM ANONYMOUS: (in response to this post)

I'd have to agree that, as one that had been sexually abused, hearing from the abuser asking for forgiveness would mean so much. I still question my memories but in my heart of hearts, I know what happened. I don't know if it is because one of the perpetrators ( there were more than one) was my dad. It goes so against the grain of what a normal father/daughter relationship should be.

My dad was upstanding in so many other ways. I also think I suffer because my feelings were always minimized and if I spoke up about what was troubling me...I was told I was too sensitive. I still struggle trying to reconcile that my sensitivity is a gift and God gave it to me to help comfort and be there for others. When you are told that you are "making a big deal out of nothing" ( about everything) it has been hard to stand firm and lay the responsibility for good with my father, especially ( and other perpetrators). I still struggle with that. If I couldv'e heard words of admitting blame...I just think it would help.

My dad has passed away and the others I just don't know.

One big thing though is that I agree that you also should seek some wise counsel before you approach this with those you abused. Make sure it is a Christain who works with the sexually abused and you can then get your head straight about how to proceed and in the process that you would also get healing for your abuse. ( through this confession and through your own pain as a victim) I know those who are abused can very well abuse. I speak from experience as I was tempted to abuse my own children. I don't take any credit for not doing it, it was God's grace...I just know I was very capable to do it so I cannot sit in any judgment.

Please get all the help you need. God would want that for you and you deserve it.

Husband put them into debt

From Anonymous:

I am married to a christian man who has been cheerless and has told me over and over he isn't interested in hearing my hopes, dreams, or how my day is. Recently I found out he has put us into incredible debt. As a direct result, we have to sell our house to pay these bills. I was within a few years of retirement and now I have to work many more years.

Even though I am a Christian I decided to leave my husband and begin again on my own and grab some happiness before I die. Many understand..others do not. My husband asks how I can call myself a christian and file for divorce. Never mind what he has put us through. What he says has hurt my prayer life and damaged my relationship with God. BUT I am determined to recover myself financially, spiritually and emotionally. I am a Christian. And I am getting a divorce.

Journey of Forgiveness--a long one

ANONYMOUS wrote:

You don't know how relieved I was when I learned that I could forgive my mom without allowing her to be part of my life.

After things became common knowledge regarding my grandfathers abuse I still had to see him. Luckily he didn't molest me any longer but he was mentally and emotionally abusive. The excuse given was because he felt guilty. To be honest with you I'm so sick of different family members being given excuses for their actions and it usually stemming from something I did wrong. But that's another story. My grandfather died when I was 14. I didn't know exactly what forgiveness meant but my mom accused me of not forgiving him. Well, had someone helped me through everything maybe I could have!?

Even after all of this I dealt with abuse from my mom. I got married and she was not part of my wedding and that was 15 years ago but I did see her month later at my sisters graduation and I just trembled in fear. So it's been that long since I've seen her. At that point I hadn't forgiven her, again I didn't know what forgiveness meant.

Four years later my oldest daughter was born and I started going to church and learning about forgiveness. But the thought of forgiving this woman was not something I could imagine. Especially with a child. Why would I want to forgive and allow her to be part of my life and chance her hitting or treating my child the way she did me? No one, not even the minister that was counseling me told me I could forgive without having a relationship with my abuser and that God never expected me to put myself nor my family in harms way. It wasn't until I found a new church and a loving church family that I learned all of this.

I often wonder why God did allow me to find this out sooner. But I think He knew I was not completely ready, mentally and emotionally, to go through the forgiving process.

I can't say forgiving my mom is a done deal because there are still memories that trigger anger and hurt but at least now I can forgive here again and again as these surface.

Husband is a cross dresser

From Anonymous:

I woke up in the middle of the night one night and caught my husband dressed up as a woman...it scared the crap out of me...

He is a cross dresser and yet such a masculine man...I was devastated...after being a victim of sexual abuse as a child and growing through that...this is something I don't know how to deal with. He says he stopped but I know better...even if there is no evidence at home...

love him a lot, but don't trust as usual...I guess I am no better because I catch me looking at stuff I shouldn't be looking at in lust. Sexual abuse screws with our minds and hearts...:O(

A place to start with forgiveness

In response to this post about boundaries, anonymous wrote,

Your one line " Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation," knocked me out. I have had a hard time forgiving with the thought that I would have to let this person back in my life if I did. I know I can't do that. We have never had a close loving relationship. Never. But I think I can give it to God. But is that really dealing with the issues I have. Like my anger and bitterness and resentment. But for the first time I think I have a place to start. Thank you.

Abused, then abused. Painful, painful.

From anoymous

I'd like to apologize to a family member - scared!!

I was sexually abused as a child by older children...and in turn I abused younger children. I have struggled with guilt over this for years - over 20. From about ages 6-10 I molested younger children (ages 2-6)... I became a Christian at 20 and still struggle with feeling forgiven.

I would like to apologize but am soo afraid of ripping apart this person's life and family life. I feel like keeping secrets only leads to more pain but don't even know how to begin a conversation or apology. I don't want to justify anything I've done but also don't want the person to think I was evil and attacked them. Basically I played sexual games with children just as that had been done to me.

I know how horrible and wrong it was...I think at the time I knew something wasn't right about it because I was terrified of my parents finding out...but I'd like advice on how to move forward and how to ask for forgiveness from the other person.

I feel so ugly just writing these words. I know that Jesus loves me, but I need to know he forgives me for what I have done. And, I still struggle with what was done to me. Is there any advice also on how to teach my young children about sex so they can know their own boundaries and to help them stay pure and innocent children (I"m devastated that my purity was ripped from me at a young age, and disgusted that I took other children's purity as well).

Thank you for your advice and guidance.

Her Husband sexually abused daughter

From anonymous:

I found out that my husband of 21 years has been sexually abusing our daughter for a decade. I forced him to leave six months ago, after which, my daughter told me everything. I couldn't believe it all. It was and is still devastating. He has since been arrested and facing many charges including child molestation, aggravated child molestation and incest. I will never understand how this could happen. Of course now my kids and I struggle with how to deal with a trial where she will have to testify in front of him. There is much more to our story. Maybe I will find the courage to share. Prayer, family and friends have been vital to our welfare in the last several months.

Her Brother abused her: she suppressed it.

From anonymous:

My innocence was taken from me, before I even had the chance to revel in it.

I was molested, sexually abused by my half brother. When I try and bring up the memory, my brain wants to repress it, wants to forget, or confuses itself into wondering if such horrendous acts where done to me. Sadly they were. I was only about 7 or 8 years old when it started, it's all hazy but I can surely remember distinct moments. Degrading moments that I know would be almost virtually impossible for a child that young to even think up on her own. Besides, the feelings of uncertainty, fear, and the gnawing feeling this isn't right are too real to for my imagination to conjure up. I learned from then on to keep secrets, to not ask for help, I remember trying helpless to push him off, but I failed and he continued to abuse me until he moved away a couple years later. From the very first incident, I became a victim of my own self. Learned to shut people away, hide feelings, blame myself and thoroughly convince myself that something in me was defective and that's why I was the only little girl who had to carry around this burden.

Carrying me to today, a confused young lady. I see my magnitude and potential in me, but the scars and wounds get in the way. I revel in my recklessness to try and shove away the confusion and pain i hold in my heart. I constantly turn to Jesus trying to ask why, to ask for salvation, warmth of grace, some sort of reassurance that there is reason for why I went down the road I had to travel, that I will eventually flourish and become the Image he sees me as that I can not seem to see.

I carry a slew of emotions of guilt, resentment , anger, sadness, and more. I know i will carry this to my grave, there is no way I can ever open this up to my parents. How do you tell your ailing father his first born son scarred his first born daughter. On top learning to hold secrets, I've learned to also carry anyone's burden on my own shoulders to just to help rid them of their own. I rather suffer, than have anyone else suffer.

I was blessed and cursed with compassion, a compassion this world devastating lacks. I learned to forgive, I constantly forgive in my heart.. Yet all the forgiving as left me torn up to shreds living me listless. leaving me so torn, at times embittered at myself and those around me.

For one person's instability scarring me has left me utterly in the dark in my own life. I constantly am battling myself. The good me vs the bad reckless me. The strong survivor me vs the hanging by the single thread me. Somedays i feel helpless, and feel that i will never be understood, and i will be alone with my demons. concluding my thinking of wishing I could be free my pain and taken away from my misery. I've tried. Even had a gun to my head, no one ever knows that part. But because of the incessant battling, i lucked out never pulled the trigger.

I forgive. I forgive for all the pain in my life, from any different outlets. But why do i feel like i do not heal. The moment i start to heal something undoes the process.

Still i have hope, a sliver of hope. That maybe I will find inner peace. That sliver of hope may be the only thing keeping me together.

Till then, I will hide behind my smile, and hope that one day, someone will really look behind it and see the pain buried deep in my eyes.

Huge Apology!!!!

For some reason, I didn't receive the posts I'll be posting in the next few days until today. This means that several of you posted secrets without me posting them immediately. Please accept my apologies.

Her brother molested her. She's finding freedom

This comment came as a result of this post.

Wow. I just received an email from my pastor asking me to share my testimony at church and decided I needed to come here for some support first before putting it together.

You see....I, too, was molested by my older brother (5 years older). For years I stuffed that inside, seeking approval and acting out in inappropriate ways totally blocking those memories out. Until one day, at age 28 I was smacked hard with the memories and nearly lost it.

My marriage ended because my husband did not know how to handle it. My mother denied it then cried and said she tried everything to stop it. My dad, who left and moved to another state when I was 5, told me to "just get over it".

The hurt never stopped and was an open wound for many years. UNTIL I FINALLY LET GOD IN. He took it. He worked it. He spoke truth to me when all I ever knew were lies. Today, my brother and I do not have a relationship. I see him at Easter and Thanksgiving but we barely speak. Mostly because I choose not to speak to him...I'm afraid of what I might say. I see no need to talk to him about it really. Won't change anything and the hurt will most likely just be the same old thing. SO....I gave it to God.

He has not directed me to talk to my brother about it and until he does, I won't. Every day is a struggle....a battle of self-esteem, self worth and reminding myself that God has a plan for my life. He has turned my shame into my STORY. He can and will do the same for you if you let him. GOD BLESS YOU. You are NOT alone.

Interesting how telling the truth changes things

Very interesting blog post here about someone willing to verbalize sexual abuse and the result of that. Read it here.

He/she wants to try forgiveness

This comment came in response to the post about the older brother sexually abusing his younger sibling. I love how our stories truly, truly help each other heal.

I too have an older brother and although he never molested me he held our family captive and my parents as well by his use of money.

Well now my parents are dead and I thought that would be the end of it. But of course it isn't. Whether I see him or not (not) I find myself so ticked off whenever I think of him that I can't function and it makes me bitter and cold inside. I want you to know that reading your story makes me want to lay it all down.

I don't know how when his damage is so profound but you make me want to try. For this, I thank you.

The Loved Child Molests the Unrecognized One

This comes from anonymous:

I have carried a secret for many years that I thought would go to my grave with me. I lived in the shadow if a brother is 4 years older than me. All thru our middle and high school years my parents, especially my mother favored him greatly. He could practically do no wrong.

But for me watching all of this was like pouring salt in an open wound, a very deep wound. This was because deep inside my heart was a hurt so deep I thought it had pierced to the very core of my soul. Anger and bitterness took root and slowly grew out of control over time.

I never realized how angry and bitter I was until recently. I am sure it was because I was in denial of what our relationship really was... in truth it was a relationship of shame and guilt because I had been a victim of incest at the hands of my older brother. I have struggled for many years with how to handle what he had done to me.

I have been paralyzed by fear that somehow the truth would come out and it would destroy our family. So, instead I let it slowly destroy me.I have suffered greatly from anxiety,confusion and bitterness. It is always in the back if my mind when I talk people...I feel like they can see thru me and they know the truth. I struggle with letting anyone get to close. I even have a hard time trusting the members of my church family.

I still feel so ashamed when I stop and think about the reality of it all. I have tried to move on, to find forgiveness, and let the love of Christ heal me. But, here is still a block somewhere in my heart and I don't know how to define it is so I am hoping taking this risk and sharing my secret I will find the healing and freedom I have been so
desperate for. I don't know what has done the most damage, the hurt and the anger of what my brother did to me sexually or feeling as if I am the one to carry the burden of our shameful secret. Only now do I realize I need healing from both and maybe even more as I dig deeper into the truth.

NOTE FROM MARY: Anonymous, you are very brave to share this and bring it into the light. May you be set free. And may the comments from many encouragers help you see you're not alone in this.