From my friend Jen in response to this post:
First off, I explain this a lot better in person. :) But here goes:
I've tried to explain to people, usually babyboomers, that this method of "engaging" or "connecting" is actually stealing.
You're stealing someone's story by either telling something of your own that correlates (to you at least) in order to give it value, thus telling the Teller that their experiences have no value beyond what you have felt or known, OR you are stealing the validity of that person's feelings by offering a "solution."
Asserting yourself as wise and capable of defusing the experience of the other, it's the same thing a lot of "modern" Christians do with God. If I name it, define it, I have mastered it and it can't hurt or scare me. This is partly why I hate the term Masters in Theology. ;)
The kind of experiences you're talking about are scary and baseless--no one can tell you why and if they think that they can, they are equally as cruel and selfish as the perpetrator. Their need to "understand" and "fix" outweighs their desire for mercy and compassion.
Advice in those situations is really a veiled judgment. The sufferer is lacking and will only be whole and healthy according to YOU if they heed your advice, which is often as unfounded as the abuse itself. That person doles out the counsel so they can go back to their friends and report how loving and Christlike they were, and in that, they have washed their hands of you. If you follow their advice, they love you and expect your respect and gratitude. If you don't, you have a spirit of rebellion and well, a prophet is always rejected by their own, your friends will tell you.
When people try and tell you why what happened happened, and subsequently what you can do to make it better, I like to direct their attention ever so gently to Job's comforters and the specific passage of Job 42:7-8, which in the JPV (Jen Paraphrase Version) I like to quote, "And God said to Job, "You'd better pray for those dorks or I'm going to kill them." I also like to point their attention to Moses in Numbers 20 when he was supposed to speak to the rock and hit it and God was angry, but YOU DON'T GET TO MISREPRESENT GOD'S HEART TO GOD'S KIDS EVER, EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BEING BRATS. Last but not least, I like to drive them over to the New Testament and drop them off in Mark 2, and remind them that good friends don't play Jesus, they take you TO Jesus.
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3 comments:
Thank you for saying what I have struggled to articulate in my own heart. Somehow, correctly naming this monster ( that is often called "biblical counseling" or other euphemism) has deprived it of some of its power and damage to me.
In Luke 7, Jesus has a very pointed conversation with Simon, who has invited Jesus to dinner, but given him no kiss or foot washing. Jesus says, "Simon, do you SEE this woman." Of course, Simon can physically see the woman who is washing Jesus' feet with her tears. Jesus is talking about a deep and knowing "seeing" of another - the lack of which is so absent while parading itself as present and effectual! Jen is spot on. The evil of this deception is pretending to offer counsel and comfort to one who is injured and vulnerable when judgment and control are the real motives.
So many of us have learned the hard way that a majority of folks love a testimony...when it's over. The clearest I've ever seen Jesus is in I the few--like the Count-on-One-Hand-and-Have-Fingers-Left-Over--who sat with me, by me, held me and their breath and waited for God to be faithful when I was my ugliest. When I showed up hemorrhaging and wounded, they never, ever made me feel I should apologize for bleeding on their carpet.
Amen, preach it, sista! Especially the part about when the "people in Nazareth" are the worst offenders . . . I blogged about this similarly just a couple of days ago. We need to quit shoving Kleenex boxes at people and put our arms around them instead. Perfect when you say, "good friends don't play Jesus, they take you TO Jesus." Thank you for your sweet and courageous heart!!!!
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