From anoymous
I'd like to apologize to a family member - scared!!
I was sexually abused as a child by older children...and in turn I abused younger children. I have struggled with guilt over this for years - over 20. From about ages 6-10 I molested younger children (ages 2-6)... I became a Christian at 20 and still struggle with feeling forgiven.
I would like to apologize but am soo afraid of ripping apart this person's life and family life. I feel like keeping secrets only leads to more pain but don't even know how to begin a conversation or apology. I don't want to justify anything I've done but also don't want the person to think I was evil and attacked them. Basically I played sexual games with children just as that had been done to me.
I know how horrible and wrong it was...I think at the time I knew something wasn't right about it because I was terrified of my parents finding out...but I'd like advice on how to move forward and how to ask for forgiveness from the other person.
I feel so ugly just writing these words. I know that Jesus loves me, but I need to know he forgives me for what I have done. And, I still struggle with what was done to me. Is there any advice also on how to teach my young children about sex so they can know their own boundaries and to help them stay pure and innocent children (I"m devastated that my purity was ripped from me at a young age, and disgusted that I took other children's purity as well).
Thank you for your advice and guidance.
Wednesday
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5 comments:
my life would be much different today if my abusers would simply acknowledge and apologize for their actions. It was much the same scenario - children who had been abused, then becoming the abusers.
The difference is the fact that 'abuser' is a label that comes with intent. The fact that you dealt with the abuse that happened to you in the way you did is an unfortunate reality for many kids - it's one of the most common results of abuse :(.
The fact that you stopped the behavior as you gained maturity and found other ways to work through your past means that today, you do not merit the label of 'abuser'.
And I have no doubt it would bring healing to those from your past to let them know that you are sorry for your actions as a child, and that you pray daily for their healing.
I was wondering if you have sought counsel from a caring professional that can help you work through this process. It might help.
It always seems easier to accept forgiveness from Christ, but forgiving ourselves is always harder.
I hope you can move into a place where you do not carry that guilt. There is no longer in condemnation for those who are in Christ. I don't want that to be a pat Christian answer but it is the truth.
May I suggest you write a few letters: 1) A letter of apology to the one you abused (you don't necessarily have to give it). 2) A letter to the child (you) who was abused, tell that child whatever comes to your mind. 3) A letter to the child (you) who abused.
As a parent what would you say to these children. How would you minister to the guilt, fear, and shame felt by the child.
May you find the grace and mercy you so desperately seek. God bless you as you journey through your healing.
I'd have to agree that, as one that had been sexually abused, hearing from the abuser asking for forgiveness would mean so much. I still question my memories but in my heart of hearts, I know what happened. I don't know if it is because one of the perpetrators ( there were more than one) was my dad. It goes so against the grain of what a normal father/daughter relationship should be. My dad was upstanding in so many other ways. I also think I suffer because my feelings were always minimized and if I spoke up about what was troubling me...I was told I was too sensitive. I still struggle trying to reconcile that my sensitivity is a gift and God gave it to me to help comfort and be there for others. When you are told that you are "making a big deal out of nothing" ( about everything) it has been hard to stand firm and lay the responsibility for good with my father, especially ( and other perpetrators). I still struggle with that. If I couldv'e heard words of admitting blame...I just think it would help. My dad has passed away and the others I just don't know.
One big thing though is that I agree that you also should seek some wise counsel before you approach this with those you abused. Make sure it is a Christain who works with the sexually abused and you can then get your head straight about how to proceed and in the process that you would also get healing for your abuse. ( through this confession and through your own pain as a victim) I know those who are abused can very well abuse. I speak from experience as I was tempted to abuse my own children. I don't take any credit for not doing it, it was God's grace...I just know I was very capable to do it so I cannot sit in any judgement.
Please get all the help you need. God would want that for you and you deserve it.
I like the letter idea for your situation from a previous comment. I do agree that offenders should ask forgiveness and admit when you've done wrong. Its biblical and healing. Usually.
Here is my only concern.
Is it public knowledge that you did this to these children? Do they know? Do their parents know? Do they remember? 6 year old may. 2 year old....not likely. If it isn't, wasn't known, I would caution you to REALLY prayerfully consider it. It would likely do more harm now to the 20 something person if they have no memory or perhaps their parents haven't told them it happened. Maybe an apology just to the parents first if they knew and ask their guidance. Otherwise i think I would rest in trusting God to heal your pain and ask for His healing upon you to release your shame and guilt unless and until HE opens the door for you to know these people would not be hurt further by this. He will forgive you no matter your circumstances...and He alone understands what drove you to that. And no, it doesn't excuse it..but it is forgiven.
I don't say any of this lightly or to get you off the hook. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Forgiveness is an important step...admission and responsbiility are too....yet, weigh it carefully after so many years. Memories fade for some victims, that is God's healing grace and mercy on their lives.
Blessings.
As someone who has been abused, I personally would not like an apology after all of these years. Hearing these people apologize may bring up harsh memories for me. I think the best way to deal with this is to write the letters suggested and either keep them or take them and bury them in a sacred spot (chest, drawer, etc). Mourn the person you were, the child who was hurt, and the adult who is shameful now. Bury them deeply and securely, say a prayer and walk away. See how you feel in 5,10,15 months. If you still feel the same then as you do now, reevaluate the letters and see if you have more to say.
I think the fact that you are dealing with this now and sharing this with others shows that God is now dealing with this area in your life. Only God knows if it is beneficial to ask forgiveness from those you hurt. By writing the letters and waiting a while- you are taking the time to evaluate your feelings and not rushing in to anything.
Yes, admitting our sins one unto another and asking forgiveness are all excellent. However, you have sought forgiveness from our Heavely Father. He has forgiven you. Sometimes the guilt we have moves us to "spill the beans to others". We then feel better because it is off our chest. However, it re-hashes the event for the victim and brings back old hurts. So we are taking the pain we had and pushing it on to the ones we wronged...yet, again.
This is not making light of your feelings or the victims feelings. God knows your heart. You are holding on to the shame, and that I understand.
Just prayerfully ask God to direct your path. If after some time you still feel that asking forgiveness is what it will take for you to move on....then do so!God will direct you!!!!
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