ANONYMOUS wrote:
You don't know how relieved I was when I learned that I could forgive my mom without allowing her to be part of my life.
After things became common knowledge regarding my grandfathers abuse I still had to see him. Luckily he didn't molest me any longer but he was mentally and emotionally abusive. The excuse given was because he felt guilty. To be honest with you I'm so sick of different family members being given excuses for their actions and it usually stemming from something I did wrong. But that's another story. My grandfather died when I was 14. I didn't know exactly what forgiveness meant but my mom accused me of not forgiving him. Well, had someone helped me through everything maybe I could have!?
Even after all of this I dealt with abuse from my mom. I got married and she was not part of my wedding and that was 15 years ago but I did see her month later at my sisters graduation and I just trembled in fear. So it's been that long since I've seen her. At that point I hadn't forgiven her, again I didn't know what forgiveness meant.
Four years later my oldest daughter was born and I started going to church and learning about forgiveness. But the thought of forgiving this woman was not something I could imagine. Especially with a child. Why would I want to forgive and allow her to be part of my life and chance her hitting or treating my child the way she did me? No one, not even the minister that was counseling me told me I could forgive without having a relationship with my abuser and that God never expected me to put myself nor my family in harms way. It wasn't until I found a new church and a loving church family that I learned all of this.
I often wonder why God did allow me to find this out sooner. But I think He knew I was not completely ready, mentally and emotionally, to go through the forgiving process.
I can't say forgiving my mom is a done deal because there are still memories that trigger anger and hurt but at least now I can forgive here again and again as these surface.
Welcome to Family Secrets. So many of us live with secrets that haunt us, keep us awake at night, or noodle their way into our lives. Some secrets are funny (think: embarrassing moments). Some are tragic. But many hold us captive. In Daisy Chain, many characters harbor secrets, but only a few are brave enough to bring them to the light of day and find freedom and hope. That's why I created this site—to give you a safe place to air a secret anonymously. It’s my way to help you turn your trial to triumph. If you'd like to do that, click the “Tell Your Secret” link now. All secrets are kept anonymous, and will be posted with discretion (Please temper graphic secrets). It’s my desire that this blog will become a community for many, and that thousands of folks will experience freedom when they’ve shared their family secret. Because the truth is, despite the darkness, there is hope.
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2 comments:
You and I have alot in common. I had to learn those hard lessons, too. Forgivness is a journey and a intentional journey. What worked for me was to talk of the good memories between my mom and I. I also have a great husband who allowed me to "get the poison out of the wound," as Sheila Walsh said. Several books helped me along the way, The Bible, Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, and "The Heartache No One Sees," by Sheila Walsh. I was mentally abused and emotionally abused by my mother, grandparents, and Aunt and Uncle (grandmother's sister). It's been there all my life. Then, my half sister and half brother began to abuse me emotionally. I don't think you ever get over it really. You heal, you find peace with it, and eventually you learn to let God use the situation for His Glory. Once in a while, you may even revisit those memories, but one day they will fade into the back of your mind and the pain will only be a pin prick. It won't hurt as much and you'll have learned to love poeple better than you would have had you stayed in that situation. I have forgiven my family, but I do not have any contact with them except for a couple of them who were also abused by my mother and their mother. Maybe that is why they moved so far away? I try to remember good memories, but they are very few. I don't regret walking away because I know I did everything I could to resolve things. It is just not safe nor is it good for my spirit to be around such bad people. I will keep you in my prayers. Get better.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I too dealt with molestation, and then my mom accused me of seducing my step-father at 5 years old. I was only able to forgive because God gave me the power.
In my situation, I saw a man at an altar who repented of rape. God asked me if I had any trouble forgiving him and accepting him as a brother in Christ. When I found I did not, God asked me why then would I be any different than that man's victim. So, I began to pray about it. Eventually, God told me that I did not have to forgive, but simply be a vessel that He could use. When I finally reunited with my step-father, the words of forgiveness came out of my mouth without my planning, but the feeling of forgiveness followed the words.
A dark cloud had followed me for years as I thought the whole world could tell I was a victim, but that seemed to disappear when I let God forgive my step-father through me. I still remember the events from our past, and people tried to say I had to forget to truly forgive, but God showed me this was not true. He forgave Israel for their unbelief, but they still walked in the wilderness one year for each day of their doubt. If we forget, we cannot learn, but in forgiving, we can be set free from remembering with a desire for retaliation attached.
Here's what I have found to be most important: We let go and let God and eventually hope to be free enough to see our victimizers the same way I saw the repentant rapist. Why? Because anything we still hold onto can be a divider between us and our Creator who loves us. He simply does not want to be rejected by us, and if we try to face our issues on our own, we must turn away from Him in order to do so. However, if we trust our issues into His hands, we can face them and still face Him at the same time.
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