In response to this post about boundaries, anonymous wrote,
Your one line " Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation," knocked me out. I have had a hard time forgiving with the thought that I would have to let this person back in my life if I did. I know I can't do that. We have never had a close loving relationship. Never. But I think I can give it to God. But is that really dealing with the issues I have. Like my anger and bitterness and resentment. But for the first time I think I have a place to start. Thank you.
Thursday
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3 comments:
I too found it freeing to learn that forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation. I think the Christian community doesn't understand the difference. I try to remember that everyone was forgiven when Christ died, but not everyone is reconciled because of THEIR choice. I work hard to maintain proper boundaries in my life. So it's not that I don't want reconciliation, but it won't happen just because they are my family. It will happen when they are willing to respect my boundaries.
I love this statement and I have tried this route with my ex husband, who was abusive and has put me and my kids through many years of pain. However, the problem is that if I am even a little bit civil with him, he somehow things it's ok to try to barge back into my life and try to start pushing me around again. If I give him the smallest little inch, he tries to take a mile.
You don't know how relieved I was when I learned that I could forgive my mom without allowing her to be part of my life.
After things became common knowledge regarding my grandfathers abuse I still had to see him. Luckily he didn't molest me any longer but he was mentally and emotionally abusive. The excuse given was because he felt guilty. To be honest with you I'm so sick of different family members being given excuses for their actions and it usually stemming from something I did wrong. But that's another story. My grandfather died when I was 14. I didn't know exactly what forgiveness meant but my mom accused me of not forgiving him. Well, had someone helped me through everything maybe I could have!?
Even after all of this I dealt with abuse from my mom. I got married and she was not part of my wedding and that was 15 years ago but I did see her month later at my sisters graduation and I just trembled in fear. So it's been that long since I've seen her. At that point I hadn't forgiven her, again I didn't know what forgiveness meant.
Four years later my oldest daughter was born and I started going to church and learning about forgiveness. But the thought of forgiving this woman was not something I could imagine. Especially with a child. Why would I want to forgive and allow her to be part of my life and chance her hitting or treating my child the way she did me? No one, not even the minister that was counseling me told me I could forgive without having a relationship with my abuser and that God never expected me to put myself nor my family in harms way. It wasn't until I found a new church and a loving church family that I learned all of this.
I often wonder why God did allow me to find this out sooner. But I think He knew I was not completely ready, mentally and emotionally, to go through the forgiving process.
I can't say forgiving my mom is a done deal because there are still memories that trigger anger and hurt but at least now I can forgive here again and again as these surface.
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