My Family Secrets

Her father wasn't her father

2011-02-16T13:44:00.000-06:00

From Anonymous:

I was 28 years old when, during a ride to town my mother told me a secret she had kept for herself all those years. At that time, I had an 18 months boy and a 4 months old baby. Suffering from post partum depression I was sharing with my mom how afraid I was to be in depression for a long time and end my life as my dad who was in a nursing home suffering from a disease similar to Alzheimer.

She answered me by saying that she had something to share and that it would be for my good. She said I didn't have to worry about being like my dad because he wasn't my real dad. I remember so well this event. As I was driving and thinking in the same time, I didn't know really what to think.

She asked me if I wanted to knonw who my real dad was, and sure I wanted to know. He was actually my neighboor who had 7 children of his own and who had died 18 years before. My mother made me promise that I would never share this secret with anyone. Maybe, if I wanted I was able to tell my husband, but none others (and especially not her other children).

She had never told anyone about it, not the man who was my real dad nor the man I used to call Dad. After this talk she never came back to this subject again, even though I tried to come back on it. She shortly after that adopted a muslim young man who was my age.

Growing up, I never felt very close to my dad, and I did like very much my neighboor, and his family, playing with his children and being close to them. One of his daughter even made my hairstyle on my wedding day.

I was afraid of my mother, and growing up, I don't remember having gone against her will. But as time passed after the secret was unfolded to me, I started feeling angry at every one, even those I loved the most : my husband and children.

As christians we wanted to do the best, yet something was hindering me from being the wife and the mother God wanted me to be. I finally shared with others my secret, and I wrote to my mother two years ago, asking her to open her heart to her other children - who are my brother and sister as well. I told her all about my heartache, and how I, in my teen years, was always feeling guilty and impure though I didn't know why.

She didn't take it very well. I wanted a true relationship with her and not a shallow one as it was at that time. I asked her if we could write to each other instead of calling, not mentioning that when she called I was feeling tied up and not able to open my heart for fear of rejection. She didn't aggree with that. I assured her of my love, and told her that if she didn't want to share her secret I would do it, as kindly and respectfully as possible. She didn't aggree with that either.

So I shared, because it was very difficult for me to live with this secret in my heart. It was the secret of my identity, and I couldn’t keep it for myself. I wanted to be who I truly am, and not trying to hide again a secret that almost destroyed my marriage and my life.

The Lord was good to us, and through this freeing process - at least for me- our couple is doing much better, and I am learning to give my anger and my feeling of guilt, my fears of rejection to God, and this is a wonderful thing.

Yet, the sad part is that my mother doesn't want to correspond with me. I sent her a gift for her birthday, and my love as well. But for my own birthday in december last year, I received a card. She used to call me her little girl, and there it was only Hello. She started her card with sharing with me the questions a mother asked herself while looking at her baby girl 34 years ago. "How will she be? Will she love God? How will she face life? How will be her husband and children? And she finished by writing those two questions? Will she be willing to be close to her mother when she will grow older? and If disease would appear, would she be a help to her mother? Then she answered her own questions: "34 years after her mother has the answer, Happy birthday, mother"

That was a hard blow on me, but Praise God, He gave me His peace. And I was able, only by God's grace, to remain calm, as before I would have been mad, and again struggling with feeling of unworthyness, or anger. I am not any more in contact with my mom for the moment, but I do love her dearly, and pray for her, because I know she is hurting and she needs healing and true freedom.

Though she is well recognized in her church, I fear she is not really experiencing freedom in Jesus. What happened 34+ years ago is history, and I am part of this history. I don’t judge my mother for what she did, even though I am sad that she, a commited christian, did commit « adultery ». God forgives, and we sure are called to forgive as well. I am here, and my husband is happy that I am here too ! But only the truth can really set us free.

This story is a story of a family secret, but also of victory in Jesus.

Thanks for stopping by My Family Secrets

2011-01-25T14:50:00.000-06:00

I'm heartened by those of you who made your way here through the ABC story. Go ahead and browse through the secrets. On the right hand side of the site, you'll see several different categories--sexual abuse, finding out you had a relative you didn't know about, domestic violence. You may find people who are kindred spirits, who have walked the road you've walked. You may want to encourage someone. You may even want to tell your own secret.

My hope is that you find the courage to let go of a secret here. It's only a first step. Hopefully, by posting anonymously, you'll then have the courage to find a good, loving friend who will shoulder your secret alongside you. Healing truly comes in the light and in community.

I write extensively about healing from a difficult past over at my website, if you're interested.

Warmly,
Mary DeMuth
http://www.twitter.com/MaryDeMuth
http://www.facebook.com/AuthorMaryDeMuth

Hard to know if her mother abused her

2011-01-25T14:14:00.000-06:00

I thought this was an interesting/sad secret. Has anyone else gone through this? Anonymous wrote it in response to this post: http://blog.myfamilysecrets.org/2010/04/shes-attracted-to-women.html

Reading this was like reading a page from my own diary. Several times I had to stop and reassure myself that I hadn't written it myself and forgotten. I too have very vague memories of sexual inappropriateness and a strained relationship with my mother. I confided in my sister once that I wondered if my mother molested me and asked if she had ever experienced anything like that. She said no and then proceeded to tell all of our immediate and extended family that my mother molested me. I was in the early stages of therapy and just starting to work out these images in my head and the lid was blown completely off. I want to be close to my mother, but all of my life I've kept her at a distance emotionally, not sure why. Her response has always been to suffocate me with emotions and affection. It makes me feel stalked and hunted. I cannot stand for her to touch me. It just feels like too much, like she is forcing herself on me and my life. I always wonder if I feel this way because she molested me when I was a little girl. I don't have any solid memories of that, but I know that the way I recoil from her is not normal. I wish I could meet you. We are living parallel lives.

What about the families who are victimized by offenders? Where is the support

2010-12-13T15:41:00.000-06:00

This comment came across the transom today, and I thought it had merit on its own.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Son a registered sex offender ":

Well, I don't have a story like any of yours. Mine is about my ex-husband, the father of my son. Aren't there any other mothers out there whose sex offending former partners obsess with thoughts and actions of revenge against the mom despite the damage such blind hatred does to their own children?
After THE phone call in May of 1997,I got myself on a plane with my kid, my cat and my clothes never to return again other than to satisfy the ad nauseum parade of neverending legal posturings. I have spent every second of my life protecting my son no matter what personal toll on me it has cost and it's been debilitating.

For 14 years I have been trying to predict or second guess what torture my sex offending ex-husband would dream up next for me that would inevitably have terrible fallout on our son, a detail my ex never considered. If not for my love and devotion for my son and my dedication to overcompensate for all the things he deserved to have in a father and didn't? I'd have no reason to be on Earth at all and trust me, mine has been turned into a life not worth living otherwise.

By the way, I just want to go on record as saying that Family Court is worse than a total joke; it is definitively anti-child and anti-woman. It has nothing to do with protecting children or abused mothers. It's only interest is in covering its own ass and protecting the rights of the offenders. Sorry...I had to add this bit about family court because it's true and it's sick. My ex-husband has continued to offend and has managed to slip by on technicalities each time. The CURRENT problem is that he is now stalking my son's former step-sister who is now a junior in college. My ex molested her when she was 12 and got away with it because she didn't know what an erection was and couldn't 'prove arousal'. She is completely freaked out that he is stalking her after all these years now and the family called me to let me know they had to take out another restraining order against my ex a few months ago. I don't know what to tell my 19 year old son. It never ends....

Why do we mothers not speak up too? Aren't we also victims of the same person's pathology? My life has been totally ruined as a result of this man and keeping my child on solid ground has been damn near impossible to do. So why aren't we recognized as victims and why don't we say something?

It's simple; we are mothers. Our lives immediately become absorbed with damage control around undoing and preventing more damage being done to our own children first. Secondly... As mothers? Our hearts bleed deeply for those young victims and their families and our shame such a terrible thing came from our family is stultifying and debilitating. We are concerned for their survival thanks to what our loved one did. We have no reason to feel guilty and yet it crushes us. It's horrible. The only coping mechanism I've found that works after all these years is total isolation. I live in a bubble...nobody gets in and everyone gets kicked out. It's just safer that way.

That is my story. I was hoping to find others with similar tales if I Googled 'Families of sex offenders' but what I got was your support group for people who love their sex offending family members, misjudged or not. While I support your group's intentions to make sure the rights and safety of your loved ones are not violated, yet again, this is not a community meant for me. I am the exact opposite. If my sex offending family member dropped dead today? My sense of relief would be epic...maybe I'd be able to breathe again someday.

ANONYMOUS

Come to my new site!

2010-08-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

I've launched a new look, providing more help for those who are overcoming a difficult past at the new and improved MaryDeMuth.com. I'd love your feedback!

So stop on by. Leave a comment. Linger. Read the archives. Share your own thin places story, a time when God came near, here.

For all you writers out there: Find out how you can write a powerful nonfiction or fiction book proposal here.

Find a listing of all my speaking topics, including new ones about healing from the past, here.

Like photos and photography? Here's a recent listing of my photos.

Don't know what to fix for dinner? All my recipes from A Daily Recipe are on this site. Click on Recipes on the upper part of the site to see over 90 recipes.

And if you'd like to read even more about writing, publishing, and the writing world, click the Writing link on the top of the site.

With joy,
Mary DeMuth
founder of My Family Secrets

Her mother may have used drugs while pregnant?

2010-07-28T09:37:00.002-05:00

From Anonymous:

Well a couple of days ago, I was talking about my birth, whilst we were sat on the car, my dad was teling me about it, then when he reached the sentence, your mum took alot of drugs (good ones) she paused and coughed, and said only paracetamol, my mum is a caesarian for me but somehow they have a secret that has never been told and only prevented it from me noticing, it was something to do with my brain because the way i act is different but people treats me the same way so she might\'ve told others and my school probably.

Grandfather Abused Grandmother. She kept it a secret.

2010-07-17T08:26:00.002-05:00

From Anonymous:

This past week I went to my grandmother's funeral. Listening to everyone talk about how she was a "straight-shooter" with a wonderful, loving, caring, disposition, just made me angry, to the point where I almost had to walk out of the service. Why? 'Cause I know that it is all a lie. No one could keep family secrets like my grandmother.

For forty years, my grandfather abused her, to the point that in the late 80s he was threatening her with murder/suicide. This was all kept from myself and her other six grandchildren. On the surface, everyone acted as if we were the perfect family. I did not find out about the abuse or the murder/suicide threats until I was 22 and recently married.

It was such a shock, such a dark revelation, that I was sent into a major depression which eventually culminated in a psychotic episode. I broke with all reality because, quite simply, I realized that my reality was a lie, a deliberate lie crafted by my parents, my uncles, my aunts, my grandmother. My wife could not handle the fact that her husband of less than a year was psychologically broken, and left not only after our first anniversary; looking back, I do not blame her one bit.

Now, I understand that my grandfather is the real problem here. He abused my grandmother, who in turn developed a sick co-dependency aimed at covering up the abuse and pretending that everything was perfect. The problem is that now we are a family that focuses only upon the surface of things.

None of us really know each other. I went to the funeral, and realized that I am stranger to all of my closest family members. We cannot go deeper because deeper would mean facing the reality that we're not one big, happy, perfect, family. So, I am angry, genuinely angry, at my grandmother for NOT being honest, and the rest of the family in colluding with her in that. Going to the funeral, I felt as if I am the one-eyed man in the land of the blind.

She lost her virginity when her mom was in ICU

2010-07-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

When my mom was in the ICU I had sex with my good friend his name I will not say. It was my first and it is not that feel ashamed I feel really akward in a way. Now I am 19 and most of my friends have lost there virginty to guys that were jerks. I do not regert losing my virginty to my friend but I will not talk to my friends about this I just find it to personal.

At that time I felt scared and vunerable becuase my mom was in the hospital and they said she would die. I was not taken advantage at all I consented to this. I think about this and thought the person I would lose it too would be a person I love.

Despite having a dysfunctional realtionship with my mom it changed after her almost passing away. I was able to open up to her a few days ago. we were at a dollar store when I told her akward right? She offered to buy me a pregancy test and said no matter what happens I love you and I am sorry I was not there to talk about this and that you have options if its postive but its what you can live with.

My mom had an abortion many years ago but at the time she had the abortion she had there was little knowledege about the fetus. There are days where she regrets but the father of child was not ready. Luckily I was not pregant I have also been on birth control but wanted to know for sure. But I am glad although this is an werid topic for me it seem to make me and my mom closer.

Her husband is abusing their daughter

2010-07-14T03:48:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

hi, am 38 from dubai, my husband 43 he always want to "sleep" with our 15 years daughter. How can i controle? i am in big depression what can i do?

Is it better not to know the truth?

2010-07-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

When I was ten years old, I got a sudden urge to ask my father whether he had been married before. I had never thought about it, but the question just popped into my head and I asked it. He got quiet and said yes. I asked him if he had children. He said yes, my brother.

Until this point I had been under the impression that my brother and sister were twins. They were both the same age, though they celebrated their birthdays a month apart (my mother said it was to stop the fighting when they were younger, that was due to birthday jealousy). I was devastated. But my brother is my brother, so I did not think much of it after that day.

Slowly secrets started to unravel. I found out my mother was actually 5 years younger than she claims. Which means she was pregnant at 15. My father is 22 years her senior, which means he must have impregnated her when he was in his thirties. I was disgusted when I found this out, and my hero slowly began to disappear. I love my father though, and I liked to think that age was just an obstacle that my parents overcame for their love. They have yet to sleep in the same room for the past 7 years, so I realized this was not the case.

I am now 19. Today, at dinner, my aunt (whom I rarely seen...my extended family is very estranged which I found out was because of racism on my fathers side due to my mother being African American, and years of abuse on my mothers side) said in passing \"well your oldest is not your biological daughter but you treat her just as well..\" I am the youngest of three, so I have come to find out that not only is my brother only my half brother, but my sister is as well. My family has been built on a whole web of lies, and I do not know whether I should ask more questions, or just pretend that I did not hear that statement, as I had at dinner. I cannot help but think that had I not asked my father if he was married before, then my life would be so much better.

Mom had a secret: an abortion

2010-07-11T03:31:00.003-05:00

From Anonymous:

Secret: i am 13 years old and today i was talking to my mother while she was making one of her fabulous dinners. i discovered one of the most shocking secrets of my life. she told me she had an abortion when she was 20 years old, when she was in the navy. she told me this while her and i were just talking about how her co-worker just had a baby with holes in it\'s brain (im not sure if it was a boy or girl) before she had told me this horrifying secret i had just said im really against people that have abortions because her co-worker was considering getting an abortion...when she told me she had an abortion i felt sick to my stomach and almost disgusted at her and myself for saying im against abortions and not knowing my own mother had one. soon after i asked if she has STD\'s...she told me she has herpes. i didnt know what to say or do..i have lived my life not knowning my mother had an abortion and at that, herpes!! just to think i could of had an older sibling that would be almost 20...this makes me wonder what other kind of secrets my parents have been hiding from me. my mom said she tells me everything but i dont know, maybe she thought i was too young to know and i think i still am and i wish she never told me...i would have never guessed my loving, most amaazing mother would have done such a cruel thing or have a disease lerking in her body that could have been passed on to me or my younger sister or even my father.

my mother has been through alot in her life. she was put up for adoption a few weeks after she was born because her biologicial mother was skitsofranic. she was in a foster home for 7 years, moving back and forth with no real family. when she was adopted her life was great her family had lots of money, going on family trips, being spoiled... but one day she found out her adopted dad was stealing money from where he worked, i believe he worked in stocks of some sort. after that he was sent to jail for a very long time. her adopted mom then divorced him and my mom, my grandma, and my uncle were forced to live in a crappy house with no food or money. my grandmother became so stressed from the divorce, no money, & my uncle being an idiot by getting arrested..she became abusive to my mom. i feel horrible for my mom every day. i will never know what her life is like...but i love her no matter the choices shes made in her past life because i know she isnt proud of it.

Behind close doors, her parents were anything but upstanding.

2010-07-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous: I am 42 years old, have five children from four different men. I am currently in my third marriage. My parents have been married for 43 years and, to the world, are \"good people.\" My father is very proud to declare that he does not nor has he ever drank alcohol. They comment to anyone who will listen that they do not know why I am this way, since they did not raise me this way. I have always felt like a bad, dirty girl. Why? That is all I ever heard from my mother.

My parents were secretly involved in swapping and pornography. It seemed as if every weekend was a different couple coming to our home to party. I could never go to my parents when I needed them at night, because I never knew what I might encounter. I remember nights when I wet the bed because I was afraid to get out of my bed. The children of these people always stayed in my room, and that was often not safe. My brother molested me for a short period of time. When I told my mother about this, she did nothing. I remember she was washing dishes, and never even turned around. I realized then that it did no good to say anything, so I kept silent from then on.

We moved often. When we lived in Michigan, I was repeatedly molested by the teenage boys in the neighborhood. I was a quiet, shy little girl that loved to stay in my room (where it was safest) and read. My mother would force me to go outside, and lock the door so that we could not come back in. She would tell me that it wasn't normal to always stay inside. I would try to hide in the woods with a book as my companion, but sometimes they would find me. I never told anyone because it wouldn't have mattered. Luckily, we only lived there for two years. It seemed like two long years!

When we moved to Illinois, I was in the third grade. A classmate found my Dad\'s pornography when she used our bathroom, and told everyone in class the next day. I was ridiculed on the playground. The popular girls danced around me, calling me \"dirty girl, dirty girl.\" Like I had never heard that before. Thankfully, we moved to another town, another school before the year was over.

There were also various occasions with other family members. I felt as if I was not safe anywhere, with anyone.

There is so much more, but these are the secrets that, until I read Thin Places, I have never spoken aloud. I have told my husband a little of what I have typed here. I have told no one about my brother, though. Too shameful. Last year, my 4 year-old granddaughter told her daddy that my brother's son \"hurt her pee-pee\". My family, mostly my parents, told her father that she must be telling tales, that it could not possibly be true. I told my daughter that I was molested by a similar family member, and that she should believe my granddaughter and do whatever she could to help her. She then told my parents this, and I am now considered a liar. I did not even mention my brother. So, I do not have a relationship with my parents anymore, not a good one anyway. Nothing was ever done with my nephew, but my daughter and her husband are trying to get my granddaughter help. I grew up with two brothers. My youngest brother committed suicide in 1996, when he was 25. The brother that molested me is an unemployed drug addict, and my parents financially support him. Yet, I am the bad seed. I know this is not true, but painful anyway.

Molested by Stepfather

2010-07-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous: I am a 36 year old woman who is single with no children. That is my title as of now, hopefully things will change for the better once I get some things off my chest.

I was molested by my stepfather from the age of 9 to I don't know when. There was never intercourse, but alot of touching and indcent gestures and mumblings. I was always asking myself "..did he say what I thought he said?". I later found out as a young adult that he did the same thing to my younger sister.

To this day, I ask myself if I did anything to deserve this. I never knew my blood father and I wasn't close to family on my mother's side so I felt alone. I was afraid of telling because everyone seemed to love him. Who would have beleived me? If I told my mother, would she blame me for ruining her maraige? Where would I go and how could I leave my little sister there?

To this day I don't have a close relationship with my sister or my mother because my sister told my mother and my mother stayed with him. We were adults and not living at home at the time it all came out, but how could you stay with a man who does that to your child? We later found out that my grandather did the same thing to my mother and her sisters.

She is having a hard time

2010-06-25T09:18:00.001-05:00

Secret: I am a college student that just finished my first year of college and I am now in summer school. I am 19 years old and have faced a lot more than most kids would my age sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and a very dysfuntional family. Even though my mom is a therapist herself she has no boundries at all my dad is an engineer and my brother is an accomplished person part of the u.s army. I myself am a full time student at a community college going to summer school right now. My mom feels the need to put me in therpy and throw anti-depressants at me becuase she has no pareting skills at all. Her dad was an abusive drunk and her mother cared about her looks. The only person she said made her who she was today was her nanny named Lola. I am in school and the only class I am taking is a music history class and I am doing okay but I beat myself up when I do not do that well. I feel like I am going to have a nervous break down becuase of all the tramua I have had in my life. I was never religous and I do not intend to start. I just felt the need to say these things.

He wants to step back into his son's life

2010-06-25T09:16:00.001-05:00

Secret: This could get lengthy, and as I typed it I realized how complicated it is.

Late in high school I went through the usual teen angst rebelling against my parents, didn\'t want to be compared to my two older brothers, etc. and in retrospect was just in a bad place. I ended up getting her pregnant and was there when the baby was born in early 1998, however I exited the picture not long thereafter. Everyone in my family, while probably disagreeing with my actions, respected my decision and left it alone. It was a bad time in my life that I don\'t like to talk about nor care to remember.

I went on with my life, got married in 2003. I\'m Catholic, she\'s Jewish. We were married by a rabbi because at that time I told my fiancÃ©e that we\'d raise our kids in both faiths and a Catholic priest was not cool with that. As time went on, with no kids, I came to the conclusion we should do one or the other. She\'s pretty bent on raising them Jewish.

At the end of November my father passed away. After a few months I decided I wanted to back in full communion with the church, because that\'s how he brought me up, so I contacted our parish priest and told him that \"Yes, she\'s pretty stubborn about it but I\'m committed to trying to get her to change her mind and doing what I can to make sure any children we have are raised Catholic.\" So last weekend our marriage was blessed by the church (yay!).

This brings us to the present day. My brothers have kids, her sister has a boy, all in all we have six nephews and one niece. You can imagine my wife has baby fever. I\'m hesitant to have a baby now because we can hardly afford our own lives, plus she never graduated high school (which I didn\'t find out about until 5 years of marriage - but that\'s another therapy session) and smokes pot. She had quite for a while but recently restarted. I\'m not comfortable bringing a baby into that situation. I think she\'ll quit smoking if she\'s pregnant but I really, really believe she has no intention of *ever* finishing high school. What\'s incredibly aggravating about that situation is she was laid off in January 2009, and between then and October was turned down for at least two jobs because of those two issues (one required a urine test and the THC showed up and the other called her HS, which of course said she was a 1/2 credit short - that\'s how I found out). One would think that if either of those prevented a job the problems would be remedied. I almost feel like she\'s not the woman I married almost seven years ago. Anywayâ€¦

It\'s probably seeing my brothers with their kids, my father\'s passing, wanting to raise a child Catholic, all of that plus the main fact that I feel like I\'ve been a terrible father, that I want to reach out and see if it\'s too late to be a part of his life. He\'s only 12 so hopefully he hasn\'t reached the point where he totally understands what happened. But I also find myself wondering if he\'s at all like me. Did he get my long eyelashes? Does he have the wave in his hair like I do that I got from my dad? I have so many questions that I want answered but I\'m worried that his mother will reject me. I want to take it all very, very slow; I don\'t think it would serve anyone well for me to just show up. I was thinking I\'d call his mother, ask her to meet me somewhere to have coffee or lunch and just talk. Get her input on the matter. Then maybe do the same with him. The three of us go out to lunch. Then introduce my wife, my family, all of that, but slowly. The other thing that worries me is that he has a younger brother in the same situation. She got pregnant and the father left. I\'m worried that he\'ll ask questions, like \"Why does Josh have a dad now? Where\'s mine?\" If I had the financial means I wouldn\'t hesitate to be a father to him too. Obviously if we went to a ballgame I\'d invite him along but I can\'t be responsible for his schooling, clothes, etc.

I\'ve also taken into consideration how this was going to explained to my niece and nephews. How their uncle had a baby when he was very young but couldn\'t be there for him. How they have a cousin they\'ve never met, and likely won\'t. I\'ve decided it\'s not fair to them, or anyone in my family.

But my biggest overall concern is how to handle this situation and will I be accepted. I\'m sure they have some unkind words for me, which I richly deserve, but at the same time, doesn\'t it say something that I\'m finally stepping up? I\'ll always regret missing the first 12 years but I really want to be there now, especially since my father passed. That\'s when I realized what I had and what he should have had.

Her husband abused her daughter?

2010-06-25T09:13:00.001-05:00

Secret: it all started last year my daughter was seeing a young lad who i and everyone hated she has 2 children to someone els and her new partner hated the children i myself have 4 children to boys 2 girls and me and my husband have been married for 30 years and was still very much in love at the time my daughter is 27 and her new boyfriend was hitting her i was like a bad woman trying to let my daughter see that this was all wrong you deserve better then this my husband would never say any think to her and tell me leave it now she will sort it out and then our to grandchildren came to live with us as the school said they was worried about the children not coming to school and when they did go they was always late she then went on to have twins to this man in a heated argument i told her i cant understand why you are like this you was not brought up like this your sister and brothers cant understand none of us cant she came back with your to thick to see at least with him i know what he his you keep on about dad being such a good man and you dont even know what he did to me for years i had to know what she meant so i would not go till she told me i could not believe it my husband denied it at first then he told me it was true every think that she said my husband and i are apart now i still cant come to terms with it my daughter still see her father and she has a very close relationship i have spoken to my youngest daughter who is now 25 nothing happen to her my 2 son knows nothing about this as my daughter dose not want them to know my husband touched my daughter in a way he should not have she did not lose her virginity to him altho this dose not make it any easier i feel my daughter feels like it all my fault that i have spilt her family up i still have my 2 grandchildren living with me and she has the baby and his no longer with the man that we all hated i just cant help thinking that what my daughter said was right at least you know what he was a bad one everyone saw that but with my husband he is!
a great
husband father granddad if only they new the truth

Her mother had an abortion, told her daughter to keep it secret

2010-06-20T13:31:00.002-05:00

From Anonymous:

My Mother told me she had an abortion when she was in graduate school. I was 16 years old when she told me and told me not to tell anyone else even my father. Serectly I feel sick to my stomach and feel uneasy when ever I think about what my mom did in her younger years.

Today I am 19 years old and have just finished my first year of college but as I see my life changing I think about the half sibling I could of had this sibling would be in there early 30s. It kills me inside knowing that my mother told me this and that she has been married to my own father for 22 years and he does not know she had an abortion.

I resent my mother in many ways asking me to keep this a serect for the past three years. I get some peace to say this serect even though it is on the internet and we are all starngers to each other.

Her husband and son fight

2010-06-18T06:58:00.003-05:00

From Anonymous:

My husband and son have never gotten along, even since my son was a toddler. Now he's 20, and I've literally had to get between the two of them to stop a physical fight. I've prayed and prayed continuously for my family, but still God lets us flounder. I don't blame Him, but I sure wish I knew what He was thinking.

I lie to my husband on a regular basis about our son's activities, in an effort to keep the peace. If another blow-up occurs between the two of them, I'll lose one of them forever. I could recover from losing my husband, but the one I fear losing is my son. It's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Adopted, but no one talks about it

2010-06-17T03:54:00.000-05:00

I have a wonderfully strong family in many ways. I am proud of my great grandmother's strength to overcome so many challenges and hardships in her life. Her father died when she was an infant and even though her mother remarried, she was never allowed to speak of her father. Subsequently, when her first marriage ended in divorce (not popular in 1900) she reamarried and her girls were not allowed to speak of their father. what seemed to be most important was how things \"appeared\" rather than how things actually were.

My Grandmother was told after my mother was born, that it would be dangerous to her health if she were to ever get pregnant again, so when my mother was 18 yrs old, my grandmother adopted a 6 month old baby girl. The year was 1945 and times were very difficult for the mother of this little baby girl. She had 6 other children and was in a state of poverty so adoption was a necessary choice. The secret? My aunt was never told she was adopted, not ever.

Even when my aunt could guess that she was; no family resemblance, no parents names on her birth certificate, etc. Interesting that the rest of us know, even the younger generation, but not my aunt. I think she has suffered emotionally because of it. My mother just refuses to talk about it (to her) She says it is not her place. I hate how we are allowed the information but she is not. As far as I can tell generations have acted like this. I am disturbed about it, but I do feel that I am not the one to tell my aunt. I wouldn't even know how to tell her. She has just had her 65th birthday. It just makes me sad.

Oh the pain! Molested, abused. Where is God?

2010-06-16T05:53:00.000-05:00

I am 60. I don't belive in God. That's one secret.

How could any god - especialy one who knows everything ahead of time allow all this crap to happen.

Grew up Baptist in a religious family. I was sexually molested from the age of 8 to teen years by my grandfather. All that time and for years after I prayed. I was ignored by God and everybody else. my mom was emotionally abusive. I told one therapist and trusted him only to be betrayed.

I've never trusted anybody else and can't get close to anybody. I don't trust anybody. I don't trust religious people and am disgusted by their stupid acceptance of a god that would create humanity in order to have it sufer.

What would you do in this situation?

2010-06-15T10:53:00.000-05:00

Just recently a relative that I did not know contacted me. She told me all about herself and how her father and my grandmother were brother and sister on my father˙s side. I knew of some of her brothers who I had met previously at funerals and other family gatherings, but I was surprised to hear about this woman.

When I last visited my parents I told them about about this woman who had made contact with me and how I was surpised to even hear she existed. My father told me to be careful what I said to her as he didn't trust her.

Later on I asked my mother about her when my father was not around and she told me about this mysterious relative. When the woman was a child, her mother died and my grandmother often looked after her as she was part of a big family and her father had difficulty looking after them all. About ten years ago, shortly before my grandfather died she sent a letter to the family accusing my grandfather of molesting her as a child. At the time my grandfather denied the accusation and my grandmother also defended him.

I was shocked to hear this as I never suspected my grandfather to have been a child molester. I am not sure how the family dealt with the accusation but I get the impression it was brushed under the table and no charges were ever brought against my grandfather. My father also believes that it is not true, but considering she was a grown woman when she made the claim, I think the accusation must hold some warranty.

Now I am curious as to why this woman would make contact with me considering she received such a cool reception from my family. Should I ask her about the past or is this something I should just ignore? I feel I can't just ignore the issue now that this can of worms has been opened. What should I do?

Her Grandfather Abused Her

2010-06-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

I wrote this out for a few different reasons. One was for college. So, I just copied and pasted it here.

I am not sure where to begin, so I will begin at the beginning. I was born on June 8, 1981. I am the oldest of a mixed family. My parents got divorced when I was really young. I grew up with my mom for a time, until I was about 7 or 8. I am not sure what happened first, but I was saved in the backseat of my grandparentsâ•˙ car and also molested by my own grandfather when I lived with them for maybe a year or so.

My dad remarried in 1989. My step mom was really nice and she helped me through puberty, because I couldn't call my mom every time something happened. I started to drift away at this time. My step mom didn't know why, neither did my dad. When I was about 10, I blurted out that grandpa had molested me and my dad talked to him, but that was all. Nothing else really happened.

I also got baptized when I was about 11 years old by my step grandpa. It didn't really change my feelings toward my grandpa, who had hurt me so much, or myself! I still felt guilty, ashamed, and alone. I think I thought that if I got baptized somehow God would take away all those feelings that I had that I deemed bad.

For a while, I walked around like nothing was wrong, but at home, I had changed. I stayed in my room a lot and kept to myself more. I didn't talk a lot at school or at home. My mind was always thinking about my hurt and I didn't know what to do about it. I was just a little kid. The problem was that I thought everything was my fault.

Also, it didn't help that my dad was physically abusive. He would hit my siblings and me. My dad and my step mom had four children together, but at this time not all of them were born yet. I felt like nothing was going right. Everything was going wrong!

My life didn't mean a THING to anyone. I thought about killing myself, but that seemed a bit too easy. When I was about 13, my grandpa (the one that molested me) came to get me to help clean these big houses. There, he molested me again. I thought, this isnâ•˙t right. Before I didn't know if it was or not, but now I KNEW that what he was doing wasn't right.

I wanted to scream, but my voice didn't seem to work. I felt trapped, alone. It was like my grandpa knew how vulnerable and alone I felt. He wanted to keep doing it so that he had control over me. I didnâ•˙t want it. I hated him for what he was doing to me!

I had started to come out of my shell, but I backed into my little protected space again. My step mom must have thought something was terribly wrong, which of course there was. I couldn't tell anyone. Grandpa told me to NEVER tell anyone. What was I supposed to do?

I had started going to youth group at my church, but after the second molesting period, I stopped going. I felt so out of place. Then, I started going again. It was like God wanted me to go. Like He knew I needed whatever the youth group could give me.

The youth group was going to the Brethren National Youth Conference, and I decided to go. While there, I told my roommate about what grandpa had done. She was the first one I told other then family. My roommate in turn told our youth leader.

My youth leader, Deb, came to me and said that my roommate had told her about something that had happened to me. I spilled everything. I didn't go into full detail about what had happened, but I told her more than what I had told my roommate. I cried and cried after I told the full story. She comforted me and hugged me. The most important thing she did was tell me over and over that is wasn't MY fault.

That idea and knowing that someone cared for me and that I could talk about it gave me strength. Deb went to Children and Youth services. My step mom has asked me why she did that and I told her it was part of her job. I had to tell my story to policemen and to my lawyer. I had to go to a gynecologist, which wasn't fun! I had to testify against my grandpa at a court hearing.

I know though that what Deb had said went with me, but not only that. I also know that my grandma went with me, too. The wife of my grandpa, who had molested me, had died about the same time I was to testify. I could feel her presence with me and that gave me much needed strength.

This youth leader showed me a kindness that I will never forget. Deb helped me see that it wasnâ•˙t my fault, that I was loved, that God could do something with me. She also taught me that speaking up about something like this is the best healing anyone can ever receive. It is hard to know when to talk about this, but I know that talking about it heals me.

While I was still in college, I told my testimony many times. I read my testimony in classes, to two youth groups, and told some friends as well. I am just ashamed anymore. I am willing to speak out and say YES this DOES happen. I will not put it under the rug and hope it goes away.

I have learned that even though I couldn\'t see Him, God was there with me through this all. Now, when I tell my story, I don't cry like I used to. I feel the pain still, but it seems that God is saying "I love you. I want you to rise above this and help others." That is why I tell people. To let them know they aren't the only one. Who wants to be the only one in any situation? No one. but who thinks they are? The person going through the situation.

and now..now I'm 29. I am married and have a great relationship with God and my husband. The relationship with my grandpa (the one who molested me) never became healthy. I forgave him, but I didn\'t get a chance to say that to his face. He died last year. My relationship with my father is getting better, but it will take time. Time that we don't have, but time that I need to have to get throuh all of this. It is amazing that I could forgive my grandpa faster than my dad. Maybe it was because my dad never said Please forgive me or I'm sorry. I think it was because he has been abusive ever since I can remember. God is working on me though. Some day I pray that my dad will see me for who I am! I am a survivor, not his victim!

Her mother said she didn't deserve to be born.

2010-06-01T08:00:00.005-05:00

From anonymous:

not only was i sexually abused by my mother and step gradfather and others my mother told me i was guility to and that i didnt deserve to be born because she was in a car accident with her best friend her friend was drunk driving her friend died my mom lived my mom told me i was with her in her belly when she got in the accident

i wasnt born untill two years latter i walked around with guilt all my lifeand belived her untill i got older she when she hit me she would go into a violent rage and not stop i was so afraid of her i would go find places to hid i got so i could tell when she was going to abuse me,i hate the pain and guilt and pry it all goes away,it dose help to write it down,thanks for listeng and having this site

Her Secret: Being Dangled over an Open Window...

2010-05-31T19:22:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

My 7th grade year in middle school was one I'll never forget. It was the year I faced the greatest threat against my life by a very big and powerful classmate of mine. We were kids...running through the halls during lunch. When, he suddenly decided to take our game to another level. We raced through the stairwell and ended up on the 3rd floor. The window was open high and I could see three good friends of mine below. For some reason, the not-so-little boy decided beg for a hug. When I resisted, he lifted me up and threatened to drop me out of the window. My three friends who were beneath saw what was happening and ran to my rescue. My little small frame was half way out of the window. And what\'s worse is how he was holding me up- with the palm of his hand in-between my legs.

I cried.
I screamed.
I punched him over and over again, begging him to put me down.
No teachers were around. No one heard me.

By the time my friends came to get him, he dropped me to the floor (thank God not out of the window) and ran off.

That day the worst fear in the world sank in me. I feared being raped. I feared being abused.

More than a decade later, I faced my worst fear in a terrible relationship I was in.

While my then boyfriend was under the influence of alcohol, he pinned me to the floor and forced himself on me. He was much more powerful than I was. It broke me in many ways. And caused great fear to reside in my spirit for a very long time.

Many years later, I realized the enemy's plan to wipe me out in fear and to stop me from living. But, I decided that I wasn\'t going to let him or anyone else get in the way of God's love for me. It was a hard healing process, and my husband still deals with it with me sometimes. But I am thankful for continued healing and restoration from both of these very traumatic incidences.

Jesus wins.

Am I a burden? Am I bad?

2010-05-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

Hi! I don't really have a secret exactly just pain. I have a disability and for the past few yrs. my life has been turned upside down...OCD, depresiion, anxiety. I lie a lot to my mom about my OCD. I am in therapy but its not really helping I mean it feels good to talk but not stopping anything!

I feel like I am a huge burden or bad!

Am I? Ugh! Well, thanks.

He cross dresses

2010-05-25T08:48:00.012-05:00

From Anonymous:

As a 5 year old boy for some reason I tried on my mother's girdle that was hanging up in the bathroom. I remember her saying what are you doing in the bathroom so long and then she looked under the door and said I see what your doing. I don't know if she saw me or not but I didn't do it again until I was about 12 years old. A older neighbor friend of mine found a Sears catalog and we were looking at the pictures of the women in lingerie.

Later on I began wearing my Mother's lingerie. Then as I grew older I would buy my own. After feeling guilty and thinking there was something very wrong with me for doing that I would throw it away and not do it for a period of time. Then I would give into the temptation again.

I didn't date much at all before I met a women when I was 22 years old. We had what I thought was a good sex life but she later told me that sex with me wasn't that good. When I felt insecure I would turn back to the lingerie. I told her about it but led her to believe it was just something I did when I was a child.

We got married but I was still insecure so I would sneak downstairs while she was sleeping and put something on. One time she called downstairs for me and asked me what I was doing; when I came upstairs she just looked at me and knew. She slapped my face really hard and I felt so assamed and that I deserved it. I tried to stop but our marriage was bad and when I felt bad I would give into the temptation again.

We separated, went to consuling and she spoke with the family doctor. He told her it was probably caused by my mother. I went to my parents home and talked to my mom about my problem she was shocked and did not recall the bathroom incident. People had told me in the past that when I was born my parents were disappointed because they wanted a girl not a boy because they already had 2 boys.

That night after I left my parents house my mother hung herself in the basement. My dad found her and tried to get her down. he was very ill with cancer and died 6 months later.

My wife and i got back together. I think she just felt sorry for me. we split up and got back together several times. She remarried and then got divorced again. We got back together again and remarried and raised our children. We think our oldest son is gay. My wife blames me for that. It looks like we are going to split up again.

Mother abused Anonymous

2010-05-25T07:21:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

My mother physically and sexually abused me for years. No one in my family knows I was sexually abused by her. I don't remember most of my childhood. What I do is bad enough.

I use to pray that my mother would die. When that didn't happen, I prayed I would die.

She is recovering her memory, and it's hard.

2010-05-24T08:46:00.001-05:00

From Anonymous:

I have never put this in writing....but here goes. From my earliest memories being afraid, being screamed at, crying. I started remembering things in my mid-thirties when I asked God to show me anything he wanted me to remember and I was so shocked....as I was showering on day with my eyes closed and rinsing shampoo out of my hair...it was as vivid as the time it happened. I remembered my father molested me when I was around 10 or 11 years.

I am 55 now and more and more has been coming back to me. God is healing me but it seems to be going so slowly. I think the biggest conclusion I have come to is my mother did nothing to potect me from almost everything even when I asked her for help she would refuse. I believe my mother was jealous of me. I looked just like my dad and she would always make remarks the I should have been named Kentina because I looked just like my dad. Because of that I always thought I looked like a boy. I remembered in the last few years that my mother left me alone with my grandfather (my fathers dad) who also sexually molested me from a very young age many times. He was 60 some years old. Anyway I feel as though I am stuck and not moving forward in healing.

thankyou for being here

He has a hard past, but a new future

2010-05-21T08:44:00.008-05:00

From anonymous:

I'm a 54 year old male.

I remember a neighborhood girl doing \"shows\" where she would expose herself to my brother and I. I also remember a male babysitter telling me and my brother all about girls and boys and sex. I don't remember anything happening with him but I do know I've blocked a lot of stuff from my childhood out. I was between 7 and 10 during those events with the girl and the guy.

Later around the age of 14 I was almost molested by an uncle when he was drunk.

I\'m ashamed to say I did things with my sister I shouldn't have. I admitted it long ago and have tried to make amends. Her life is an wreck and I carry a heavy burden that it's my fault.

My life was messed up from the beginning. I was born out of wedlock, the product of a 12 year affair between a married man and a single woman. Then my mom hooked up with a man who was murdered because they thought he would talk about two previous murders he took part in as part of a gang of criminals.

I became a Christian at the age of 30. I could not understand why God let me go through all that. Then He showed me something. He did not want those evil things to take place but I've come to know He was aware and He came to rescue me. Many times He still has to rescue me from the repurcussions of all these events. I'll never know why He let them happened but I do know they happen to people who may not have heard He can and does love them. Sometimes, He allows me to tell them what I\'ve been through and help them see a light called Hope. 2 Corinthians 1:4.

I feel the story of my life before Christ is found in Joel 1:4:
   What the chewing locust[a] left, the swarming locust has eaten;
   What the swarming locust left, the crawling locust has eaten;
   And what the crawling locust left, the consuming locust has eaten. (New King James Version)

But praise God the story of my life after meeting Jesus is found in Joel 2:25:
   So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
   The crawling locust,
   The consuming locust,
   And the chewing locust,[e]
   My great army which I sent among you.

Praise the holy name of Jesus Christ!

She doesn't have memory of abuse. Did it happen? Or not?

2010-05-20T05:38:00.009-05:00

From Anonymous:

I'm not sure where to start. I think most of my family secrets will stay secret. But here is what I know:

I have been depressed and suicidal all my life. Even as a small child I wanted to die. Even before I knew what dying meant I would try to squeeze myself into the crevices of the sofa so I could disappear forever. Many times during my childhood life moved without me. There are blanks, times when I was physically present, but have no recollection of what happened during that time. I was physically abusive towards my stepchildren and sexually abused my stepson and my younger brother when they were very young. As a child I would beat my dolls when I played with them. I spend a lot of my childhood in a make believe world that I created. It was full of beauty and friends that loved me and I loved them.

I feel certain I was abused, but I don't recall any of it. I don\'t even know who it came from. I believe it was either my father or mother but I don't which of them. And I don't even know if it was physical or sexual.

My father died several years ago and my mother suffers from severe dementia so I can\'t ask either of them. I did ask my brother, but he is 14 years older than me and as he said, he was rather involved in his own life at that time.

My mother told me things a mother shouldn\'t tell a child. My mother always let it be known her two sons were her favorites, I came in second. She told me the reason she was \"fat\" was because the doctor told her that was only way to carry a baby (me) to full term. And my father wanted another child so badly she would do anything to give him one. There was never any mother/daughter connection between us. She kept me fed and clothed, but I never felt loved by her. Shes been in a nursing home 30 miles from me for around 5 years and I\'ve never gone to see her. I have no desire to see her. I don't hate her, I just have no feelings at all her.

My father adored me, maybe too much. He would give me almost anything. In my brothers words, I was his \"little princess.\" When I asked my brother, his first thought was sexual abuse by my father. I don't think so, but just before I got married, during a serious talk with my father, he said a curious thing. He told me sex would be a big problem in my marriage. I\'ve always wondered what he meant, but never asked. And now it's too late.

A counselor told me to forget it. He felt someone had led me to believe something had happened but it really hadn't. He said I was trying create a reason for my depression and other shortcomings when I was just made this way. I don\'t think anyone led me to this conclusion, but it is possible nothing ever happened since I have no specific recollection.

Funny thing is I can't cry. Sad movies, physical pain, loss, death, nothing moves me to tears. I thought maybe putting this in writing would bring out some emotion. But it didn't, all I feel is an emptiness.

Well, thanks for listening anyway. Maybe someone else will have a similar story and know they aren't alone.

Uncared for

2010-05-19T13:05:00.002-05:00

From Anonymous:

I'm not sure where to begin.

As a young child my parents divorced, this came as a surprise and was totally unexpected. It was shortly after my Grandmother passed away so I was faced with a double loss. Since both of my paents were busy trying to rebuild their lives they took very little time with me. My Mom re-married quickly and devoted herself to her new marriage. She was verbally abusive towards me as a child, and was very focused on pleasing her new husband, so she allowed me to move in with my father (thus seperating me from my younger sister).

My father was a good Dad, but also very preoccupied with his personal life. I was a latchkey kid from my early teens and did not use my free time wisely. My grades were poor and no one took interest in that fact. I started having sexual innercourse with my first boyfriend at age 15. This occured in his house, in his room, with his parents home.

This started a long string of sexual encounters, all with inappropriate partners, at inappropriate ages. My english teacher came on to me, my first boss, pretty much any gentleman I'd form a relationship with would turn sexual. When I married my first husband at 22, our sexual relationship was strained and unhealthy. This never improved, even after 14 years of marriage. I never realized what the problem was.

After years of this I divorced and immediately re-married (just like my Mom did), but this husband was even worse than my first. Un-diagnosed bi-polar, our home was absolutly crazy. After nine months of this and a fateful camping trip, I asked him to leave and we divorced shortly thereafter. Now I am alone, raising my daughter by myself and frightened to try to establish any relationship with any man. I think it\'s good to take some time off (it's only been a year), but I need to deal with my childhood sexual abuse issues before I can move ahead.

From Anonymous: Abuse on a grand scale

2010-05-18T05:00:00.002-05:00

My family has so many secrets and lies that sometimes I wonder how to decipher the fact from the fiction. The secrets are bad enough but the half truths and excuses make it so hard for me to move forward because I feel like I am always searching for the real truth, like I can not heal until I solve the mystery.

Here is what I know, I am not the duaghter of my mother\'s ex-husband but instead the product of a one night stand that my mother had when her husband was in jail for sexually molesting a 13 year old boy. My real father knew about me but did not want me. My mother, a woman who has had a history of mental illness, chose to live with her ex-husband\'s parents even after he was released from jail and remarried. I remember the environment was scary for me as a two and three year old. There were loud parties and strange smells. During that time my mother\'s ex-husband and his father kidnapped me and took me to Canada for a period of time. I have vague recollections of that time and know that I was sexually abused by both males and females. I remember the dark coldness and sparcity of the house and I remember crying for my mommy. I remember the \"comfort\" given to me but not specific details. I also remember the state trooper who found me at a festival and returned me to my mother.

My mother, who was so distraught over what had happened to me, chose to medicate herself with pills and alcohol and ended up in a hospital while I was taken to a state ward. I was there for close to a year and have no memory of it. I do know that my mother\'s maternal rights were nearly severed but that she got me back. After that, she struggled to raise me on welfare and food stamps but we never returned to her ex-husband\'s home.

Although I hoped for a fresh start then, I was not so lucky. Bad choiced were made and I was abused over the years by a baby sitter\'s child and a boyfriend of my mom\'s.

All of this ocurred before I was 5. At 5, we moved to a new town and my mother enrolled me in a Catolic grammer school. We reamined in that apartment and town until I married at 26. The sexual abuse never occurred again but I was to be abused again, this time verbally and emotionally.

My mother became very sick when I was 7 and I had to move in with another family. I lived with them for at least six months of the year for the next 4 years. I was so scared of the mother in that family,Mrs. F, but I chose to return every time my mom was sick because I was afraid of what she would do if I did not. I do know that Mrs. F. hated me. She called me a slew of curse words and would call me useless, lazy, lying, and unwanted. I lived in constant fear of being screamed at and never knew when I would be allowed to visit my mother in the hospital. I was locked in closets and watched numerous fist fights but the people in that household. The sexual abuse I endured as a child was horrible but because I do not remember alot of it, the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered while in this home has far more ramifications in my life today. It is those years and the demons from them that I struggle to overcome now while raising my four daughters. I depend on God daily to teach me a new way to parent and to live.

From Anonymous: Sexual and other abuse

2010-05-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

I was sexualy abused by my step Grandfather my mother and a man that was not a family member from 2years old until i was 4years old my step grandfather gave me alcohl to drink i belive to block it out my when i was 14 my brother sexualy abused me and i told my mother about it she did nothing to help so i ended up loseing my temper blacked out and beat him up

i was sexualy abused by my baby siters son from years old to 16 years so i felt like and feal like i deserved it and that i was being pinished and i felt like they all lined up and i had a sign come on and sexualy bause me evry ones doing it anyway i cant hold this stuff in any longer i have to get it out of me

Her story: Kidnapped

2010-05-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Ive never told anyone this whole story, so here goes. When I was 4, my mom kidnapped me because my dad was abusing me, sexually and physically, but he was always very careful so nobody ever found out. After about a year of running they found us and took me to my dad while my mom went to jail.

Litteraly months after she got out, she took me again, but this time we went to Brazil. I was 10 when I came home for good. My dad still abused me but after he married, it stopped. Ive always hated his new wife, but it did make him stop.

I never understood anything about morals. I began having sex(my choice) when I was 10 and got pregnant at 11. My stepmom made me get an abortion and didnt tell anyone about it. I still didnt understand what I was really doing. I didnt know it was bad anyway, because no one had ever told me any different. I was brainwashed.

I got knocked up 3 more times by the time I was 15 and I hadnt been allowed to keep any of them. When I was 16 I decided a new approach. I found my grandpa and I told him what was going on, and he relunctantly gave me 500$ and I left for good(unknowingly pregnant again).

It wasnt as bad as you would think, I always had a bed, I always found food. It wasnt glamorous, but it sufficed. 8 months later, I had a baby girl. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I named her Annalie. There were only 2 people I had ever learned to trust in my life, my 12year old sister natalie, and a friend, Hannah. SO I combined the names to make Annalie.

She is such a special girl, I cant believe shes already driving a car. I cant believe she has a car to drive. Ive worked hard in my life to get where I am today. Its easy, its not fun, it sucks. Its really sucks. Maybe someday, Ill tell her this story, and maybe take her to see my stepmom's grave. She killed my children, my family, and Anna\'s brothers and sisters.

Oh, the Mother-in-Law!

2010-05-13T04:35:00.001-05:00

From anonymous:

My mother in law has emotionally abused everyone around her.

She particularly targets my fiance who is the youngest son of her four children. He is the most independent and we are completely financially independent. The other siblings have also been verbally abused and now that we are all getting older they are starting to treat my fiance (and everyone )that way. My fiance got away from it (my thought is because he was AWAY at college) and his siblings did not get out from under the control of the mom.

I am proud of my fiance for seeing the difference and for mutually agreeing the abuse stops HERE!!!

Beautiful, Painful Story of Redemption

2010-05-12T08:13:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

Picture a little girl running, alone, trying to find her way home. She˙s six years old. She is running away from her babysitter's house, carrying a painful secret. She's fleeing the pornography the sitter's sons shoved at her. And she's fleeing something worse, something that fills her with shame.

Somehow, she finds her house but the door is locked, and she has no key. She runs to a neighboring house. The neighbors let her in, and call her mother at work. Her mother comes home, furious at her little girl for running away from the babysitter's. She doesn't ask the child why she ran home or what she was running from. The little girl is afraid to speak up on her own; she's terrified the boys will come get her if she tells.

The angry mother grabs the girl by the arm and yanks her into the car. On the short drive home, she lectures her daughter; then she spanks her. What does this teach the little girl? Don\'t run away, and always obey adults no matter what. The mother sends the girl back to the sitter\'s house, this time under orders to apologize to the boys -- for not obeying them -- and to promise them she won\'t do it again.

So for one year, every day the little girl goes back to the baby-sitter's house, and every day the older boys sexually assault her repeatedly.

To avoid the hurt and pain, the little girl retreats into her mind, pretending she's not the one being raped. At home, she's miserable; no one will listen to her. She throws fits, trying to regain a sense of control.

Finally, the babysitter and her children move away. The little girl loses her best friend -- the sitter\'s daughter -- but she also is finally free of her tormentors. She won't have to look at any more naughty body parts or feel the shame and pain of the violations she suffered.

The little girl and her two big sisters go to vacation bible school. A nice lady there tells her all about Jesus. The little girl want Jesus to love her; she asks Jesus into her heart whenever she feels ugly or dirty.

The three sisters go to church more often. The little girl finds comfort in the idea of Jesus. She loves to sing the hymns: "Stop and Let Me Tell You," "The Lord is my Shepherd,"\"We Have a Great Big Wonderful God"... She feels safe -- for a little while.

Then she discovers that among her family\'s friends is a father who likes little girls. By this time, the little girl craves a father's attention; her own father is always angry, always yelling at her.

This other father likes to hold the little girl on his lap, read Bible stories ... and rub against her. This teaches her that rubbing grown men, and letting them rub her, is natural. She feels shamefully invaded and good at the same time. The other father tells her God will only forgive her sins if she does as the man asks; he says the girl must forgive him or she\'ll go to hell. He tells her he'll kill her if she tells anyone.

Once again, the little girl retreats into her mind while her body is invaded. She and the other little girls keep going to church. They accept this is just the way things are for them, that they're meant to be used by men. Sometimes they love Jesus; sometimes they're very angry.

At home, life only gets worse. Her parents fight all the time. Her father hits her when she whines, fusses or disobeys. He comes home drunk; he yells, hits and threatens the little girl and her mother. So the little girl keeps going to the older men who fondle her and make her feel like a princess.

By the time she is 13 years old, she has a miscarriage. She wears pink lipstick and dresses in clothes meant to get boys to look at her and like what they see. Soon she is an all-grown-up girl, yelling at God in her mind, trembling in fear. She's tired of her father berating her for getting pregnant; she's tired of being forbidden to see boys.

Then she finds an escape. She starts to run track, play volleyball, and study hard, avoiding the pain and sorrow her father still doesn't want to hear about. She hurts deep inside, but she doesn't know why.

She thinks often of ending her life, but each game keeps her going. The crowds cheer for her, people smile at her. She hides behind a plastic smile. She's voted the school's most popular athlete, and the nicest person, of her senior year. She goes on to college to play ball. She no longer wants to be around Christians; she believes God is a joke or a myth who offers neither hope nor love.

Then the all grown up girl's carefully constructed armor shatters. She falls and tears her Achilles tendon. For two months she can't play ball, and she can't escape the pain and confusion inside. She's never the same. The cheers on the ball field aren't enough to keep her going anymore.

She has a boyfriend, but he pushes her to return to Jesus. She wants to, but she can't. She trusts no one with her pain. Instead, she gets drunk and tries to kill herself. That's when her angel finds her. The angel -- a true friend -- gets her to the emergency room in time to save her life.

Her angel-friend invites the girl to her home. The girl is surprised to find that this angel has nothing but love to give her.

It is to the this angel-friend that the girl finally releases bits and pieces of her long road of torture, pain and sorrow. For the first time, the all grown up girl is held and rocked as she weeps out her pain. She's afraid she won't be able to stop. The angel reassures her that it's okay to cry as long as she needs to.

Her mother beat her after she ate cream cheese

2010-05-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

From Anonymous:

Diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at 11, food became an issue between my mother and me. Once, I came home from a day of working with friends to clean up a park and ate a few bites of cream cheese before getting cleaned up.

My mother came home while I was in the shower and she stormed into the bathroom, yanked me out of the shower, naked and wet, threw me on the bed, and proceeded to whip me with a belt, yelling and screaming about how much cream cheese I had eaten.

I only remember the horror of the moment, the trauma, the shame, and never received an I'm sorry or I was wrong or even an I lost my temper from my mother.

She feels trapped

2010-05-04T08:44:00.014-05:00

From Anonymous

Hello everyone, and my title for my true story is called suffering in silence. both of my parents emotionally and verbally abuse me, and even though i am now an adult myself my parents will not let me make my own choices and my own decisions and i am so depressed and feel so betrayed by mainly by my mother because she had made me a promise and she said that she wouldn't change her mind :( and come to find out later that she did what she said that she wouldn't do.

many people will tell me that it's not really that bad and that she loves me and wants to protect me but i tell them that if a person can walk a mile in my shoes than and only than will i let that person judge me. I just got finished but not wanting to break down but i did my gosh won't this pain please stop?!!

the longer i remain living here but not by choice ,the more i'm reminded of what my mother whom i thought loved me is continuing to hurt me so deeply. this is what my life for now is like for now i once read that an abused person just cannot forgive anymore because it's like everytime you forgive something like that it's like forgiveness is an excuse for the abuser to keep abusing the abused, i mean how can one forgive the emotional pain when the one who is abusing shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever., and i agree with that person when i too say that i'm sorry but you'll find no forgiveness here.

all that i want is to be free free to go where i want to go, freedom from the fear of threats that yes both my parents say to me, threats of having me put away only cause i want my own life and i do nothing wrong to deserve otherwise. i want to live.

here is a saying that i'd like to share with all who may read this as i'm hoping it will be read. "death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we are still living' Norman cousins wrote that little piece. so i ask you who has the right to deny another person their god given right to have and to enjoy what has so graciously been given to them ?

there is a difference between loving someone and wanting to control them. and what i have learned from doing so much research concerning domestic violence / abuse is that abuse is all about control.and that once you reach that age where you become an adult yourself, no one has that right to control you. thank you for your time.

She's 13 and is dating a 19 year old

2010-05-03T08:43:00.001-05:00

From Anonymous:

So I really like my best friends cousin. The only thing is he's 19 and I'm 13. I talked to my mom about it and she was fine with it. He likes me too. We talked about things and agreed not to have sex because I\'m so much younger and I'm not ready. We dated for two months and three days and then he got put in jail because of one of his friends. I really have feelings for him and I don't know what I should do!!

Oh the painful secret: She was a prostitute

2010-04-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

I was a prostitute from age 13 to 18 years old, I'm 27 now. I still struggle all the time with feelings of unworthiness, guilt, fear and shame. I've come so far mentally and emotionally from where I once was, I would never allow a stranger to have my body in exchange for money, however, I still question if I can live a "normal life".

Nine years later and I still have awful nightmares of the experiences that I lived through, sometimes I go into deep depressions that I'm not sure if I'll make it out of. I've seen a therapist over the last six months and the topic of prostitution seems to make her uncomfortable, so we're not really able to process through it.

The molestation now affects her s*x life

2010-04-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

From anonymous:

I finished Thin Places last week. WOW, what a great book, and testimony, thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us! I was able to relate to several areas. I won\'t go into each one of them, not because I don\'t want to share, but because I have shared much of it in different areas on the blog already and because one section stands out to me even more than the other sections because I struggle in this area.

Let me start out by saying this is going to be hard to talk about; first, I never talk about sex with anyone but my husband and second it's just hard to go back and remember.

At the end of the book, you talked about your difficulties with sex now. You talking about that made me feel less alone and like there was finally someone out there who understands what itâ•˙s like to be limited with your spouse because of childhood abuse. No one, (of the very few I've tried to talk to about this) not even my husband understands the issue. Heck, I don't even exactly understand the issue.

Before go into the issue here is a little background.

My grandfather from the time I was very small molested me, until I was 12; it was our game, our secret. It was how my grandfather showed me affection and if he was mad at me, he took it away until I begged him to pay attention to me. Since it started when I was so small, I knew no different. It wasn't until I got older and, while he would never penetrate, he would lay on top of me that I started becoming very uncomfortable with everything. I couldn't stand being made to kiss him the way a husband and wife kiss, not to mention just feeling horrible and gross as he imitated having sex.

To make matters worse my grandmother caught him at least twice and did nothing but fight with him leaving me to fear her telling my mom and feeling as though I had done wrong. I have gotten past many issues with this but one. This is hard to say even now, but I was fascinated with penis. I don't know why I just was.

Then one day he was supposed to be taking a shower. My grandmother and I were outside working in the garage. She asked me to go in and get something and when I did, I found him in the kitchen. He wanted me to touch him and I don't know what else. I was trying to protest but he kept pushing. Then my grandmother came in. This was the first time. I was terrified. I begged her not to tell my mom and she wanted to know why I would say that. Then the fighting between my grandparents started. No one made sure I was ok, not that I can recall because I don't really recall what happened next.

However, I do remember later that day or the next time I was over everything was "hunky-dory" as if nothing had happened. I don't recall my exact age at that point nor when the next time my grandmother caught him; I also don't recall how long from there it was that everyone found out through a call my ex-aunt made to the authorities.

I didn't get much help in dealing with all of this. I went to a few counseling sessions and then suddenly they stopped. My mom also turned on me and a relationship that wasn't always great got worse. She became mostly mentally and emotionally abusive but also physically at times. I was told I wasn't allowed to talk about this to anyone before we had even left the prosecutors office, by my parents.

It was never talked about, not until one day when my mom was angry with again, as usual, and screamed at me for never forgiving my grandfather. He died three years after everything was discovered. He went unpunished outside of one day behind bars. My mom made sure I knew exactly how horrible that was for him. Though I barely recall time with him after that the times I do recall were very stressful for me. I couldn't do anything to please him. Later in life after dh and I started dating my uncle told him that this was something that should never have gone outside the family (meaning no one should have ever known about it at all, not even the authorities) because it was a family issue. Note, it was his wife (at the time) that called the prosecutors office. How dh kept from clobbering him is beyond me but he never liked my uncle from that point on.

OK, after that long background you probably wonder what my issue is. Well here goes:

In the 16 years of marriage and 21 years of being together, I have never been able to touch my husband, sexually. I enjoy sex with him but I can't touch him. The first few times it really upset him, which is understandable. For the most part, he leaves the issue alone but every now and then he will ask me to and I can't. He doesn't understand why. He says he's not my grandfather and doesn't understand why I can't distinguish between the differences. I know he's not my grandfather, I know he loves me, and I know he would never harm me but I still can't go there. It's as if I freeze. I can't even explain why. I don't understand why myself. I've prayed about it and still have no answers. I just know it's something I can't seem to get past.

I know no one can give me any answers, except God when He's ready. But I thank your for your openness in the book and giving me so many things, including this, to relate to and think about. I pray that each of us can continue to forgive and heal together and through Christ!

From anonymous

2010-04-21T01:51:00.000-05:00

I think I'm Gay, but I can't bring myself to tell my family even though they have no issues with homosexuality.

A difficult childhood

2010-04-20T02:41:00.016-05:00

From anonymous:

I don't know if my mom was physically incestuous or simply emotionally. I˙m not sure what that looks like with a young girl-emotional incest, that is. My whole life Ive felt the need to hide from her, to protect myself, as though she could cut out the core of me and consume it.

In kindergarten I was molested by a female teacher. She came in a bathroom stall with me and put her fingers between my legs. When I think of that little girl now, I˙m angry.

Later I was a latchkey kid. In third grade I spent time at the apartment of a teenage boy and his dad. I can see a room there where I hung out. I see a bed of some kind against one wall. And there are chairs for sitting and watching TV. In my memory this room is very small and dark. They watched pornography in this room. There were also stacks of pictures in here on the floor. The teenage boy masturbated on me in this room. This memory makes me feel a little nauseous.

His father made me pay a toll to get to the bathroom to clean up. He wanted oral sex. I would clench my jaw in protest, trying to keep my mouth shut. I know I felt determined, but I˙m not sure who won the battle. This memory always gives me a choking feeling.

It˙s easier to accept this girl as part of me. I feel sad for her.

All my life I've hated cameras, hated having my picture taken. I think it˙s because from my earliest memories I felt so dirty and ugly. I didn't want people looking at me. When I was little they looked at me a lot. As I got older I was able to fade into the woodwork more. I tried my best to do so.

When I was 11 I had another experience that seems significant. Before then, when I was 10, I had experiences with boys that are not atypical for a girl growing up where I did. I learned to French kiss. I learned to play chicken. (But best I can remember, we were all pretty chicken.)

But when I was 11 I had made a choice to turn away from that group of friends because I realized they were a bad influence and I didn't want to continue on the path they were walking (drinking, smoking, dabbling in drugs). I became friends with another girl who was a Christian. Perhaps she had just moved to our school or she was just a lone--I don't know--but we became best friends my sixth grade year. She was quiet, a good student, fun. One day we went to her house and she wanted to show me what her mom and boyfriend did in bed. We took off all of our clothes. I donâ•˙t know if we kissed, but we lay there together under the covers. Could be we did this more than once.

I feel irritated when I think of this memory. It was just dumb. But it was also comforting.

I feel comfort with women; I am more likely to feel sexually aroused by deep emotional intimacy with a woman than by anything else. I feel the need to completely close up with men. They feel more dangerous. I've only this week been able to look squarely at this first reality. I hate that it's true. I don't believe anymore the lies that the enemy throws at me--the shame, the lies about my femininity. I am a happily married, heterosexual woman. But these experiences marked me and they deeply affected my ability to respond sexually the way that God designed me to.

I'm curious about whether others have found that the abuse deeply affected their relationship with their parents, even if they were "good" parents. Have I made my mom a scapegoat, or did she also do something to me that I have a hard time acknowledging? I wish I knew. I wish I understood why I'm so very afraid to let her into my life.

From anonymous: Sister having an affair with her son

2010-04-19T05:38:00.000-05:00

My thirty-one-year-old sister has cheated on her husband of ten years with my fifteen-year-old son. This came as a huge shock to our whole family, with responses of how shocked they are at what has happened, and that they always thought of her as a loving mother to her two young daughters.

I always trusted my sister. She earned my respect a long time ago. She is an awesome mother who loves her children dearly and is the kindest, most loving mother I have met in my life.

From anonymous: an abusive marriage

2010-04-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

we started great but that did not last long when my daughter was not even a year old we left him because i told myself i was stronger then that but i went back ....

seven months later i had my son and i went back to the way it was before and i thought about leaving but my thought was of them ...

I stayed because i wanted them to have their brother and daddy but it was worse then before i was alone on a mountian no family to cry to ...

I had been with him for 4 years and then it went from not only verbal abuse to pyshical abuse ... i thought i loved him so i just keep thinking of my kids i wanted them to have their mamma so i left .. even thought i left it still did not stop him ...

now i am starting to us my brain and my back bone and i took my kids to a mential help doctor andfound out my daughter is scared her daddy is going to best her ...i am moving across country just to get away from himmm

His/her Mother had Munchausen by Proxy (deliberately injuring a child for the sake of attention)

2010-04-16T08:20:00.000-05:00

From anonymous in reaction to this post.

You have to cut ties with relatives, when psychological, emotional, and/or physical abuse is involved. My mom has munchausen by proxy, and the rest of my family enables the abuse, and they allow me to be blamed, like a scapegoat, for the family issues. I think I am the only "normal" one, which is why they are so mean to me.

Sever ties, as soon as you're certain, the relationship is unhealthy.

In my experience, the abuse only got worse. I severed ties, after my mom's "episodes" got really bad. I documented the behavior, and almost went downtown to obtain a restraining order, however, she hasn't tried to contact me for a few weeks, now. Sigh of relief.

I'm not sad because I miss them, I'm sad because I don't think I deserved to be treated the way I was, over the years. I am a survivor of some unfortunate events, and my family played a major part, in the negative outcomes. You, too, will find freedom.

Afraid to tell her family she's gay.

2010-04-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

From anonymous:

I've always had something to inform my family especially my own mother.
I'm only 15 & i been realizing that i like the [same] sex. I don't know
how to tell my mother & family about this. I'm looking for help everywhere.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 month & a half.
And the other thing is that shes older, shes 18. I really don't know what to
do or say. If i ever do tell her shes never gonna trust me & will never
let me see my friends even though she never letted me :(

Her daughter was raped and now tells her.

2010-04-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

From anonymous:

My adult daughter recently told me she was raped when she was five. She remembers playing in our back yard, a teen in the neighborhood took her to the nearby wooded patch and raped her. She came home, dirty, and people in the kitchen told her to take a bath. She never told me or anyone until recent years.

We'd taken her to doctors and a psychiatrist through the years for various problems she had, but no one ever mentioned rape as a possible root issue.

How could we have missed it? is a question that haunts me.

It hurts to think that she dealt with this alone, the confusion, fear, pain.

This memory from about 25 years ago surfaced in counseling. She said she told me because she didn't want to have secrets between us since we've had what I thought was a good relationship.

This confession shook my world, my sense of being a good mother, and my memories.

It was important to her that I believe her. It took me some processing time to say, it could have happened. I can't explain how we missed it and I don't remember letting her play outside alone at that age. With four small children, we could have been preoccupied and busy. I can't explain how we missed it.

I know God can take us from here and heal many hurts. This wounded adult child is going through a difficult medical residency program and is a caring doctor, wife, mother and daughter and friend. She credits God and difficult things she's gone through, like being raped, as shaping her.

I\'m grateful she decided to talk to me about this although it shook my world.

This morning, I'm sad. She can still use your prayers, as can I, some days even strong women can feel fragile.

Sibling stress

2010-04-06T21:46:00.002-05:00

Secret: my sister ALWAYS fights with me.Everything i do to try to stop her,won't help it will make everything worse!

Who was her father?

2010-04-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

My secret is my real mother was tara. she was pregnant with me until she was raped and abuse by a bloke, who was my real father. I didn't know who my father was until i was in pirson on drugs and booze, getting drunk, having sex, and having babes

Her painful secret. Rape. Abortion. Keeping it inside.

2010-03-31T19:00:00.001-05:00

My apologies to Anonymous. I received this last week but didn't have my computer with me. It's posted a few days late, but I know it will touch many because of the honesty below. Please encourage Anonymous.

Obediently, I take a long, ragged, deep breath as I begin to type the words that will leave me feeling so terribly naked and ashamed. I was brought to this point because this morning I awoke in yet another state sadness that seemed to be sucking the life out of me. I willed myself to move, to rise, and to go about the day, but the sadness weighs oh so heavy on my heart. Usually I am a master at masking these dark moods, but today is different and I don't quiet understand why especially considering that over the last several months I have been making such great progress after years of counseling. My days have been getting brighter and lighter, but these last few have been slipping back into the old rut of my former life. Frustration drove me here to vent and reveal.

Over the course of my life I have suffered many wounds, especially from my childhood of abuse. I am very familiar with negative feelings so much so that positive feeling are rather unsettling, uncomfortable, awkward, and often frightening to me. However, as I have stated above I am making progress to a healthier state of emotions. So these last few days of sadness are disturbing me. I want so much to be happy, healthy, and whole, but I am feeling like it is a one step forward and two steps backward kind of progress lately. Before my counseling days, I would ignore any and all negative feelings shoving them into the darkest corners of my mind. I would put on my mask which fooled most people and go about my day as if I were a normal healthy person. It worked great until the heaviness forced me into bed for a week or so of depression which I covered up by calling into the world sick. This happened maybe three or four times a years. Since my counseling that coping skill has been deactivated. Counseling has caused me to stop, feel the feeling, think about it, and store into some category which I can bring up in the next counseling session.

With all that said, this morning's feeling was different. I immediately balked at the notion of embracing the feeling, thinking about it, and God forbid storing it somewhere for the purpose of recalling it to tell to another person. This was something too severe for another human being to know. I could not possibly tell this secret to anyone. No way, no how! BUt try as I might, I could not push it way, put on the mask, or go about my day. I opted for a few pills and bed, instead. Even that did not help. So here I am about to unveil the most horrendous thing I have ever done to total strangers, but at least you don\'t know me.

While I laid in bed after taking the pills the fog of confusion and frustration lifted to reveal the reason for my sadness. It was the fifteenth anniversary of a rape that happened to me by a stranger and in a strange city.

So I won't have to re-live and reveal every gory detail I will breifly say I was a strong young adult woman at the time and had the ability to fight and to fight hard, but I did not. I gave in after a brief struggle and allowed him to do his thing. I did not scream or cry. Actually, I froze with fear when he threatened my life. I honestly thought I was about to die and was too frigid to fight. I thought if I complied he would spare my life and he did. When he was finished he left me there to gather the clothes he had torn from my body. I was completely disgusted with myself for allowing him to do those things to me, for not fighting, but worst of all for obeying him. I complied to his ever demand as if I was nothing more than an animal. I wanted to throw up and did. The feelings of being dirty and used were old familiar feelings from the years of my childhood abuse, but the shame engulfed my in a sicking stench. I hated myself.

I was too ashamed to report it. I could not bear the thoughts of having to reveal to someone that I allowed a man to rape me like that, in so many vile, vulgar ways. The thoughts of having to go through a medical exam and having a rape kit done on me was almost as repulsive as what I had just endured. No way, no how, was I going to do that.

The second realization that flooded my mind, heart, and body was the ulitmate of bittersweet for me. I knew as sure as I knew my name that I was pregnant. I tried to chalk it up to the horror of the moment and the fact that I wanted a child so badly, but nothing would shake that realization.

Since I did not report the rape and I knew I was pregnant, I was faced with what I was going to tell my husband. Our marriage was already on the rocks after his affair with his ex-wife. I reasoned it out the best I could considering my state of emotional chaos and concluded that I needed to confess to having a one-night fling. Since he had just come out of a year long affair, I reasoned that he would not have any trouble forgiving me and accepting my baby. So I confessed without even confirming I was pregnant. Stupid, I know. I was also so very wrong about his reaction. He angrily demanded that I choose between him and the baby. "No, way am I raising a baby that is not mine!" Wound upon wound, they were piling up faster than my emotions could experience them. What was I to do?

I made the appointment for the abortion; it was a month away. I thought I could figure a way out of this mess without losing my husband and without having to murder my baby. So during the waiting, I prayed and hoped. Then I got sick. I developed a high fever, began to bleed, and vomited until I thought my guts were going to come up. After about a week of this, my husband finally began to bathe me down with ice water. He still refused to take me to the hospital. He said I could wait until til the abortion appoint. He also said this was my punishment. After about ten days of laying in my own blood and vomit, my fever broke and I began to recover. It was just in time for the appointment.

At the clinic, I explained the ordeal I had just been through and asked them to tell me whether I had miscarried or not. They informed the doctor would tell me when I was examined.

In the exam room I was prepared as if the procedure would take place. The doctor entered, examined me, and preformed the procedure. As she was about to leave the room, I begged her to tell me whether I had miscarried or not. She replied, "What do you care? You did not want it, anyway."

That response still resounds like a echoes off of the Grand Canyon walls in my mind. It terrifies my nights and haunts my days. To this day, I do not know the answer and besides that doctor only God knows. I long to know my child and to tell that child, "I am sorry."

The worst for is that I made the same horrendous mistake that my mother did and I vowed I would die before I would do that. I chose my marriage over my child. The punishment is almost more than I can bear.

I can never tell my husband the truth. He would never believe me now. This secret is killing me.

Her mother asked her to be a prostitute!

2010-03-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

From anonymous:

I was deeply loved and cherished by my father and led a charmed life as a little girl. But throughout my life, people have continually manifested who seem determined to destroy the beauty in my life.

My mom has been the worst culprit, always jealous of any attention I received from anyone including my dad and siblings. She used to beat me and ignore me more months at a time, demanding that everyone else in my family do the same or face her wrath.

And since I was a little girl, starting with an aunt, I have been repeatedly molested, never by anyone in my immediate family, but by various people who had access to me. I remember when I was 12, a man approached my parents at a bowling alley and made a comment about wanting to marry me. Though on the surface it didn't seem like too terrible a thing to say, I was totally creeped out.

And he wasn't the last man to try to "own" me. Working in a restaurant at 18, a wealthy man tried to buy me. Though I firmly refused, I wondered why someone felt like they could even approach me with a vile offer like that.

Soon after that, my mom (who had left my dad) asked me to move with her and support us by being an escort in exclusive club for rich businessmen - in other words, a prostitute. My own mom. I refused and stopped talking to her for a long time.

Though I was hurt, angry, confused, and nearly destroyed, God's grace kept me in the midst of everything and gently led me back to Him. It's been nearly 20 years since I recommitted my life to Him, and I've experienced a lot of healing.

The one area I have never really addressed is being molested. So now I've said out loud in writing for the first time.

"I Didn't Know."

2010-03-22T08:22:00.001-05:00

From Anonymous:

I was supposed to be the peace keeper...my Dad told me not to make waves...to just do what I was told...to stay quiet...and I tried SO hard to be a good girl...and I am a dismal failure...

I didn't know it was incest...I just wanted my brother to stop hitting me...and I thought if I let him have his way he would be nice to me...but it didn't work...he did what he wanted...and then he went back to hitting me again...and I am dirty!

I didn't know it was a lie...I thought my husband was keeping his marriage vows...he said he loved me...and he's a nice guy...active in church...who wouldn't believe him?...but then I found the trail of his online activities...and I am destroyed!

I didn't know that "I'll be here for you no matter what " would turn into "I'm too busy..." when I was most in need of a friend to hear me...and I am defective...

I didn't know how much I had missed during all the years of being treated like I was contaminated...and now I don\'t know how to be a real person... and I am devastated...

Her mother was supposed to be an advocate but wasn't. Ouch.

2010-03-19T21:28:00.002-05:00

My dad ignored my femininity, treated me like a boy, and demanded I work like a man. He sent me to mechanic shops where I was often the paid for the services rendered, or so I was told by the men who raped and abused me. I hated being a female, but did not want to be a male. I never fit in with the girls and was never really accepted by the boys.

My mother had the power, education, authority, and position to help me and did not. She was a court advocate for abused children, a nurse, and had special training on how to recognize signs and symptoms of abuse. When I finally spoke up, she covered it up. Those in authority trusted her to take care of me and the situation. She did not.

After leaving home, I once again spilled the beans in hopes that my mother would give the compassion and love I so longed to have. She called me an awful name and told me what I said was a lie and screamed through gritted teeth with clenched fist, "I never want to hear about this again."

Such a needed verse!

2010-03-10T07:48:00.000-06:00

I needed this today. From the Message, Matthew 10:26-28

"Don't be intimidated. Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are. So don't hesitate to go public now. Don't be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There's nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life - body and soul - in his hands."

Her marriage is abusive. A reader offers advice

2010-03-09T07:52:00.000-06:00

Anonymous writes:

I am in a verbally abusive marriage. My husband abuses me daily. I no longer have any love and am literally asking God daily what to do. It has gotten so bad and he never stops. I've been aware of his abusive behavior since a therapist gave me the book The Verbally abusive relationship. My husband's name could have been written all through there.

That was almost 4 years ago! Why can't I kick him out? Better yet what motivates him to stay? There is no love between us and we've had separate bedrooms for years. Verbal abuse crushes my spirit and takes my energy away.

A reader responds:

That book- The Verbally Abusive Relationship- helped me so much. The abuse in my marriage was not only verbal, but physical. For years, (15) I did not think there was any way out. Not only is verbal abuse as damaging as physical, but it is part of an abusive cycle.

You have to find someone you can trust who can help you.

Let me ask- what motivates you to stay? I work at an organization for victims of domestic violence. There is a national hotline you can call, and they can direct you to help in your area. You have to get help- pray for God to strengthen and guide you; the way out is not easy. But you can begin by calling for help. You've done that here, but you need legal help. Staying in an abusive marriage is not honoring to God, and enables your husband. It's time to get help. The national number is 1-800-799-7233. God bless and keep you safe!

How one reader broke free from an abusive relative

2010-03-08T17:15:00.000-06:00

From anonymous in replying to this post:

My mother verbally abused me, too. I put up with it throughout the entirity of my marriage and it put my marriage at risk. I went through years trying to love the anger out of my mother to no avail. I tried to resolve the issues and tried to figure out what those issues are, but again, failed.

Finally, I discovered she was mentally ill, left her, and have not turned back. It's been three years. Many people have problems with their parents. I have known many people who go to counciling and therapy every month because of a parent. They are unwilling to leave them, but yet time and time again that parent has proved unhealthy for them.

I made a decision after a few months of prayer and taking a break from family (turning down alot of family gatherings) until I got a clear answer. The answer was hard for me, but I know now if something happened tomorrow to my mother, I know I did everything possible to resolve the situation.

Verbal Abuse, I have learned, is a sickness and it is not healthy for a marriage. You need to put your Husband first above your parents. Whatever you decide to do, include God in your prayers and listen...listen not to your pain or your heart, but listen to Him. Your emotions will want to stay, your heart will want to leave, and unless you dwell on God's Word and pray until He gives you a clear answer, do not do anything.

You've got to figure out how to end this behavior or how to end the relationship with your mother. This is not normal and should not be normal. Nor is the stress of your situation good for your health. It had a definite affect on my weight and my body in the way of anxiety attacks and eventually led to a nervous breakdown. This is NOT your fault.

Cutting Ties with an unsafe family member: oh the anguish

2010-03-03T08:42:00.002-06:00

From anonymous:

This may be God showing me that I need to do the same as everyone on this blog...move on! I just recently, 4 days ago with my husband, fled my mom's home in Florida while on our vacation. Her accellerated verbal abuse and accusations to me made my husband take a stand and we left at 9:00 while watching the Olympics!

My big issue is I believe my mom may have health issues that are leading her to become aggresive and abusive...her boyfriend though, is not telling us anything. Her last words were"call me when you are ready to aploligize". So I'm feeling very torn and sad and in some way that this may be my fault??? This has been going on for so long it is normal. God's grace is enough!

Thanks for listening.

God speaks through clouds

2010-02-22T19:15:00.002-06:00

From Anonymous:

God sends me messages in the clouds. And sometimes he whispers in my ear. I would not trade those moments for anything.

There are angels on earth. But we can get hurt because of it.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Mary shares her story

2010-02-16T05:15:00.002-06:00

Oh, Mary,

I just have to write and tell you how your book is so transformational. I didn't really want to read it because of the painful subjects. But, God is using you to minister through your suffering and struggles and journey to wholeness. I can identify in many ways, although I was not sexually abused. I longed for acceptance and meaning and to be loved for me. I was trying to get through it quickly so I can write a review, but am still midway. I have to pause and ponder. I will need to read it again and let God use portions as I apply the lessons to my own life. I will highlight and savor sections. I had planned to pass it on to the library, but I decided I will keep it and loan it as the Lord leads and let it minister to others. I'll recommend every library order their own copies.

Mary

Thin Places Testimony Month: Leah shares her story

2010-02-15T04:49:00.000-06:00

Mary,

I'm reading Thin Places. It feels so much like a personal confiding from a friend that I have multiple urges to reach across the couch where I imagine you sitting and squeeze you hard. I realize the reality of the moment and want to instead fly to my computer over and over to speak of the love I feel welling up for you inside. I'm reading of such things hard to be said, but they are not difficult to read. And what can only be described as miraculous, your own testimony has become a thin place; I come away from each chapter smiling. I've caught myself and wondered at it. How can it be that I come away from such revelations with such joy? What a testimony to God's redemptive power!

I want to talk back to you and offer you reassurance as I'm reading and say things like, "Mary, narcissistic people wouldn't really ponder or worry over being full of themselves would they? The fact that you're thoughtful enough of others to consider it makes it terribly unlikely to me." Your book exposes two things about yourself I most admire in any character, honesty, brutal honesty, and humility. And they seem forever destined to be married.

Thank you for gushing, for not withholding the injustices inflicted on you by both yourself and others. I think the Christian community is strewn with souls like your own constantly picking apart and berating their own existance. My own mother who exudes love though never loved herself will often blurt out, "I am SO stupid" when she feels she's made a mistake. And I say, " Mom, I would smash someone in the mouth for saying something like that about you, so don't you talk so nasty about yourself either. I love that lady your saying bad stuff about and it hurts my feelings for her."

My heart just pulsates with love for the Christ you reveal, and for the child, teen and adult that encapsulate you. I cheer on the work of God in you. I especially love the dancing discovery chapter. LOVE it! In fact it made ME feel like dancing.

This is definitely a book that causes both the heart and eyes to well up. I wanted to wait till I finished, which I've almost done but I couldn't take it anymore without feeling like I was you on the Scrambler. I had to let it out and express my joy to you.

Must get back to my book,

Leah

Thin Places Testimony Month: Lynne shares her story

2010-02-12T05:33:00.006-06:00

Mary,

I devoured the book! I could not, and did not want, to put it down.
Only by God's Spirit of love and redemption could you find any "thin
places" in the horrific stories of your life. You are so brave to move
outside yourself to share such raw feelings, and somehow
leave the reader with the overwhelming sense that you truly have
been redeemed and made whole. It causes me to reframe my own
painful childhood, and now the events of my adulthood, to consciously
come to awareness of those "thin places" and even find many "thick"
places where God was so evident, but I had missed it. God bless you
and your family with His very best. Thank you for my advance copy.
I am forever changed by your story.

In Christ, Lynne

Thin Places Testimony Month: Anonymous shares her story

2010-02-11T04:58:00.005-06:00

Hi Mary,

I've read up to chapter 17 so far. Your story of abuse, loss & dysfunctional family system and your growth & healing out of it touches me. I see how your pursuit of God and even more His pursuit of you is a story repeated in some fashion all over for individuals, including me. How He personalizes each and every miracle of healing for those who seek Him is a marvel. I hope to write the story of my miracle journey someday. My story has a similar theme. I have a blog when I am inspired to write. Thanks for your transparency, especially about the porn addiction, I've struggled with viewing images on the internet at times. I'll let you know when I finish the book.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Linda shares her story

2010-02-10T01:57:00.000-06:00

Thank you Mary.

Thank you for writing Thin Places.
Thank you for writing words that heal…first you, now me.
Thank you for having the courage to allow Jesus to lead you to, and through, those thin, sometimes still bleeding places in your heart to your healing.
Thank you for having the courage to share them with me.
Thank you for not preaching at me, but just being with me while I read.
Thank you for the anointing of the Holy Spirit upon your words, which help me to recognize and want to experience my own thin places—with Jesus.
Thank you for the fact that I have not even finished the book yet, and already I am changed.

Thank you for the things I cannot yet put into words for the ways God is using your book, and you, to heal, encourage, strengthen, and equip me for the work He desires to do in my life. You will never know how perfect the timing, or how powerful the voice that speaks to me tonight from every precious black-inked page.

To me, they are red. Every story, every thin place, revealing the redemption found only in the shed blood of Jesus. He died for you and He died for me. No brand name jeans, no recognition from another, no coveted possession or position remains with us at the foot of the cross.

Thank you Mary, because that’s where I find myself tonight, and there’s no place in life I’d rather be.

Linda Crawford

The Perfect Little Family's devastating secret

2010-02-09T17:32:00.000-06:00

Anonymous writes:

My family secret is that my father molested me for over two years, beginning when I was 8. And my younger sister did the same thing. I tried to tell my mother, but she ignored me because she can't stand the thought of this family not being her "perfect little family." We never have been.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Lucy shares her story

2010-02-09T04:41:00.014-06:00

Hi Mary,

I finished This Places. Wow! The two chapters that hit me the hardest are Snapshot and Marked. I too was sexually abused -- molested by an older brother.

God has healed me. . .mostly. I still get hung up in enjoying sex fully with my husband.

If you get criticism -- and chances are you will, not because your book is bad (it's excellent. . .and so raw, so real) but because it'll threaten some folks -- remember you wrote Thin Places to give comfort to others as God has comforted you. And, as you say, to work out your healing through the Holy Spirit.

By the way, Patrick and your kids come off great. Caring, loving.

You come off well, too, but with a limp. Kinda like Jacob. (You also got those boys in the tree house real good!)

My favorite poem: pages 211-212.

How God will continue to bless you! Blessings and hugs, Lucy

Lucy later wrote this:

While reading Thin Places, I marveled at Mary's willingness to share deep. Her deep sharing ministered to me. It helped me see some of my own thin places where I glimpsed God:

Among them, as an eight-year-old girl rummaging the grass in my front yard for a four-leaf clover to wish that my parents would remarry and, I FOUND ONE! Honest. I knew God gave it to me. He gave me hope.

And another, after my older brother molested me a number of times and I SAID NOTHING because I thought I was at fault. I wasn't, I remember saying to God, 'I can't handle this right now. I have no one safe to tell.' About fifteen years later, married and the mom of a preschooler, God said, "This is the time, Lucy." Another thin place. I first told a priest in third person, though we both know I was talking about me, then my husband. My husband was and is my safe person. Soon I sought counseling. God healed me. Completely.

And still another. Flying from Krasnodar, Russia, to Moscow, with my new baby boy on my lap, water from outside the plane dripped on my arm. Warning, Warning! God reminded me of a prayer I pray over my children, "Lord, my kids each have a major loss of abandonment by their birthparents. Do not let me die until they are old enough to live without me." Calm overcame me. I met God in the thin place of a leaky Russian airplane where passengers in the back smoked cigarettes and drank vodka.

Mary's book helped remind me that our God is faithful. And near."

Blessings,

Lucy

Win a Kindle! Really!

2010-02-08T10:40:00.001-06:00

In my memoir, Thin Places, I walk you through a journey from hurt to healing as I developed a deep, joyful relationship with Jesus. Thin places are those times where the division between this world and the eternal fades; they are snatches of holy ground, tucked into the corners of our world, where we might just catch a glimpse of eternity.

Now, we invite you to tell your story of a thin place in your own life . . . and we’re giving you the opportunity to win a Kindle reader for doing so!

Here’s how to participate:

1) In exactly 259 words – the retail value of a Kindle reader – tell us about a time you experienced a “thin place” in your life. These would be aha moments, beautiful realizations when the Son of God bursts through the hazy fog of our monotony and shines on us afresh, times when God has reminded or reassured you that he is real and present.

2) Post your essay on your blog or website. Once you’ve posted to your blog, add a link to your post in the Mr. Linky widget found here. If you post to a Facebook account or do not have a place to post, then submit your essay in the body of an email to info at blogtourspot dot com. Your entry must be received (either by Mr. Linky or email) by midnight, Friday, February 12th to be eligible for the contest.

3) Personally invite at least two people you know to join the contest. You can do that by email, in person, or by adding an invitation to your blog posting. This will be done on the honor system (we don’t need to know names), but please help us by spreading the word. Please link directly to this post. Entries in your own linking system/comments will not be included.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Anonymous shares her story

2010-02-08T04:56:00.002-06:00

I'm almost done with Thin Places - I think I'm on the very last chapter. I was just too pooped to finish last night! (Sad, really.)

I don't think you need my validation or my kudos, but I hope you'll allow me to share with you some of the many thoughts I've had while reading your memoir.

Your children sound absolutely amazing and a true testimony to having some wonderful and godly parents. I love how real you've been with them through some of the tough times. I know I'd rather my kids not see the "raw" me, only the strong, I can do it all, me, but they need to see all our sides to know that it's normal to feel all these different things.

I can't remember how you phrased it but when you talk about the anger (and throwing things) -- but a little bell went off and resonated with me. YES! Is exactly what I thought. I totally get that. I keep that anger monster under wraps about 99.9999% of the time, but it sure disturbs me when it actually comes out. I'm glad to know I'm not the only Christian who struggles with that.

Actually, many of the things you have struggled with through the years, I have too. I guess that's what I really wanted to share with you. While I wasn't sexually abused as a child, I still have gone through many of the same things. I think my "addiction" was approval from others which in turn made me do some very bad things. If I had to do "this" to get you to approve of me and show me affection, then "this" is what I'm going to do. You can fill in the "this" blank with just about anything. It wasn't until the past year that God really opened my eyes to how much pressure I put on my husband to constantly fill me up by showering me with his love and affection - more more more...give me more! I was teaching Sunday school one day and the bell went off. Thank you, Jesus, for opening my eyes. I came home and apologized profusely to him, and, of course, he thought I was a little nuts. But, that's really not anything new and that's a different topic all together :-).

Since we're so close in age, I grew up in the free-loving 70's. Our house was the party house. When I was a wee child, I remember being the bartender for my mom's friends. I remember finding pot and asking my mom what it was. I remember being woken up by drunk people slurring their words and arguing or just "talking". I can't tell you how many times I was woken up by a mother who was enraged by something and wanted to make sure I knew about it. One minute yelling, the next minute crying. The last time I saw her like that I was 22 years old and I was cowered in a corner between the wall and my chest of drawers. My husband & I were moving my stuff out to move to South Carolina. I swore then that I would never act that like around my children or let them see me that way (and they haven't ever seen me drunk or that angry!).

After playing Christian for most of my life, God finally got me hook, line and sinker in August, 2006 and I made a true profession of faith. I wanted to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. It's a been a wild ride and not one my husband and I share, which is unfortunate for him because WOW what a better way of life! I still struggle with things. I try not to be a Pharisee, and make laws and rules that I can't follow or hold others up to the standards I have set. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

I appreciate that you shared your life story and the struggles you have had and still have. Your story has touched me in many ways. More importantly, I saw God in your story and could look for Him in my own thin places. Thank you for sharing you and Him. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read your story before it is released.

I will be praying for you and for His glory to shine through your words.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Carol shares her story

2010-02-05T04:47:00.000-06:00

Carol wrote:

Mary DeMuth’s photograph on the back of her newest release, Thin Places, proves her now-healed and open soul, so sweetly and honestly laid before her readers. Her story of childhood sexual abuse and subsequent deep-rooted insecurities can help other women who have suffered similar travesties in their lives.

DeMuth spares nothing in creating the images necessary for our understanding and yet, we are able to take it in. There is no dwelling on self-pity, no bitterness. She seeks healing from her Savior. She processes her memories for us through the lens of forgiveness found in Christ. She sets the example for those of us who know all too well what she’s talking about. We are not to live in our past and are not to bear those burdens forever in silence, unprotected.

We choose to allow God to take it from us, to hear the cries, to salve the soul. We learn from other authors and other believers how to process our own pain.

Thanks to Mary DeMuth for the soul photography in Thin Places, where we sense the presence of God in all His magnificence. It truly is only through our weakness that we are strong.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Rachel shares her story

2010-02-04T04:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Mary,

I'm waiting to post my review of Thin Places until February, but I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated it. The Lord used it to creak open doors in my heart that I was throwing my full weight against to keep shut. I sat in a room by myself for six hours and ugly-cried, and wiped my mouth off compulsively (while reading about your first kiss and remembering mine), and spontaneously prayed out loud, begging the Lord (again) for healing, to let me "be done."

My life was very different from yours, but I ended up growing twisty in the same ways. I even have El Roi tattooed on my wrist in Hebrew! Whaddya know. I felt bad sucking the book down so quickly when I can only imagine the time it took to write (not to mention the time it took to live it all out...). Anyway. It is a life-changing book for me.

Thank you for making yourself write it. I can't imagine having the courage. I'm praying that the book reaches a broad audience, and that you become a scrillionaire for your efforts. Doing my part on launch day by ordering two copies on Amazon for two girlies I know. :)

Thanks again.

Rachel

Thin Places Testimony Month: Allison shares her story

2010-02-03T04:22:00.005-06:00

Hi Mary,

I received my copy of Thin Places today and I have to tell you that as I held it in my hands the Holy Spirit washed over me with such a warmth and a peace that I was moved to tears. I love it when God does that! I'm so thrilled to say that I get to read your story and am even more excited to see how God will move in you and in the lives of the women who read it. It takes courage to step out and share the truth, especially a truth that has been so painful. Thank you for taking the time to share and for acting in obedience to the hand of the Lord and his direction. You are an inspiration to many...myself included.

Thank you for letting me be an influencer and I look forward to passing you along. I already have a few ladies in mind who will be receiving this book from me.

Many blessings and may God give you peace in the weeks ahead.
Allison

P.S. I'm happy for you and I've already ordered it for one friend and plan to do the same for a few others I'm praying about. I have to say that I'm just blown away. As I've been reading my own heart has cried out in pain, your story touches on my own healing journey and I empathize with you as that small little girl. You've overcome a lot Mary and I'm praising God for you.

Video Press Release for Thin Places

2010-02-02T12:40:00.002-06:00

Thin Places Testimony Month: SW shares her story

2010-02-02T04:18:00.001-06:00

Mary,

I am still reading your memoir, but I want you to know it has blessed me. I have several sections with pieces of paper in them for me to go back to. I identified with the Shame chapter as I continually beat myself up. The parenting chapter even though I'm now a grandparent so I can be lousy at that, too. They say I'm a good parent. The search for perfection and praise I didn't get at home. The doing good things hoping some day I will be good enough. God has been with me and I have a good family and a loving husband who protect me from myself.

I've always been drawn to you because I sat at the table next to you at ACFW. You were sitting with another missionary wife and crying because you were so tired from your flight from France. I prayed silently for you as your friend comforted you.

God bless you and protect you as you continue to bless others with your writing, speaking, and website. I know your website and books have blessed me.

SW

Thin Places

2010-02-01T22:12:00.000-06:00

Thin Places is a book about seeing a painful past as an asset. Denny Ryberg, the president of Young Life writes this about the book:

“Mary skillfully weaves the sorrow and joy of her life into a tapestry of grace and redemption. From beginning to end, her memoir is a beautiful testament to God’s love. A wonderful storyteller, she takes her reader on a compelling journey.”

Video press release for Thin Places:

CEO of Children's Hope Chest and bestselling author Tom Davis writes:

“With brutal honesty, Mary paints a vivid picture of the cruel blows life delivers to all of us. But her ability to shine light on what God does through pain and difficulty is a revelation of his infinite love and grace. Thin Places reminded me that beauty really does come from ashes. I’m not the same after reading this book.”

Thin Places Book Trailer:

Click here to buy your copy today.

Thin Places Testimony Month: Kim shares her story

2010-02-01T05:13:00.003-06:00

Mary,

Not sure you remember, but I contacted you from the ACFW loop after you'd posted about not being acknowledged as a writer by your family, I believe. This was a few months ago. I told you I am also a survivor of childhood abuse and that I hadn't read any of your work because I just wasn't at the place I could.

I picked up Thin Places last week in Denver and I just want to tell you how beautifully written it is! And how it has impacted my own journey.

Some background:

I was sodomized at age 2 by my uncle who was about 18 and lived with us briefly. To my knowledge, it was a one time event, but one that led me on a journey of beating myself up through abusive, serial relationships and sexual promiscuity as I tried to figure out life and why it hurt so much. At the time I remembered what I'd been punishing myself for, I'd been married four times and had finally stopped running from God after finding myself alone with no answers for life at all. The one thing I hadn't wanted to do was to be a single parent so I didn't have my daughter until I was 33 and sure that that relationship would last. It didn't and my healing began when my daughter was two and looked just like me at that age. God's timing is perfect.

Through prayer, I re-experienced what I'd experienced at age 2 but had buried for 33 years. Jesus came into the vision and carried me down the steps into our basement and stood holding me by the bed where it happened and told me to not carry the shame of it; it wasn't my fault.

For as long as I could remember, I'd felt like underneath all my success (I am an over achiever even now :0) I had done something really bad, I just didn't know what it was.

Jesus in His mercy and grace returned the buried memory on the Friday night before I was to be baptized on Wednesday evening so that when I went under the water it truly was a cleansing. Nothing else to wash away.

I dealt with the anger at my uncle who was beloved in my family and known as a "great guy." He had died in an accident by the time my memory returned but at family events he would be talked about and everyone would tell "Ronnie stories" (he was a real practical joker so everyone had a funny story). It was all I could do to not stand up and scream, "He ruined my life!"

Worse still was the anger I felt at my Mom for not protecting me or noticing something was wrong. My mom is not a person who deals with things--she stuffs them, puts on a happy face and goes on. Somehow I knew she could not/would not deal with this about her favorite brother and so she does not know even now. I told my older sister who told my younger sister, but after a "I'm so sorry" it is almost like it is "get over it already" attitude.

Because of my past, I have always been the different one, the family black sheep. Talented but messed up. Successful but messy otherwise. I am known as selfish and self-centered in my family and my family goes on without my input. I live 250 miles away from where most of them still live and though sometimes that is easier, I wonder how other people can love me and think I'm a great person and to my family I'm still the irresponsible girl who talks too much. I think part of it is that when I achieved "worldly" success and financial success, they could still say, "Yes, but her personal life is messed up." After my memory returned and I could heal, I married a great Godly guy, began my drama ministry and wrote my first book (which they hated, btw :0), they no longer could box me into the successful but messed up category and so they just hold me at arms length.

Which brings me to today--As I read Thin Places, I saw so many places where our lives parallel in our emotions and how we react and respond to life. My need to control, my inability to take criticism well, my choice of bully friends, an interest in porn even at a very young age, even down to struggling with singing on the worship team.

I have been in a season of life where I have again faced many challenges--everything in my life except my marriage and family have been challenged in some way--my drama ministry where I portray women in Scripture, my work as a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist, loss of a friendship and prayer partner of 5 years and most importantly, my friendships in my church where I have been worship leader for 5 years (small church, small town, non-denominational church with some used to traditional hymns and lots of young people who want "modern" music).

A couple of prominent women in the church began to first criticize the music choices and then it turned to criticism of me and my involvement not just in the music, but saying I was doing so many things in the church, no one else had a chance to do anything. My husband and I met with the other couple and the Pastor met with the other woman and her husband and they were repentant but it didn't really stop. We're talking about stuff like filling the coffee pot for Sunday morning because I'd be at the church Sat. night going over music--just so someone else wouldn't have to come in, or decorating the altar--minute stuff which when I stopped doing, no one else did! When I asked if I should step back in or who was going to do these things, I was told people were too intimidated by me to step up--I was a "hard act to follow!" Give me a break! Anyway....it was just very hard because my "family" has been my church family and I was left feeling lonely and hurt by all of that. For months I went to church not really trusting anyone because those who'd talked against me, I'd considered friends and sisters in Christ. It has been very painful.

Enter Thin Places. Oh, Mary, you write so beautifully! God has so gifted you to touch broken hearts and those that need to understand them. I wept my way through about 1/3 of the book the first night and then couldn't sleep. I got up to cry and pray and read Scripture. I felt a little like I did when I was first saved--who am I? If I am not the funny girl who parties and tells dirty jokes, then who am I? If all of this perfectionism, control, over achieving busyness comes from the abuse then who am I and who was I meant to be if this had never happened. I find myself at 53, trying to figure it out.

I posted a request to the ACFW prayer loop and had an outpouring of love and prayers and the fear and hurt has lifted from my spirit. I am continuing to read and also see parallels in the husband God gave to you and the great gift of a husband God gave to me. I am seeing evidence of healing in every page and seeing it in my own life. God has always worked with me in seasons and I see myself entering a new season of Him pouring life into me in a new way. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I could finally see that some of my "personality traits" were residual sin patterns left behind as coping mechanisms that it is time to jettison. That I have far to go before I sleep. And that is okay. He is faithful.

Bless you, Mary. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for not hiding and pretending. Thank you for saying it is okay to be messy and broken. That even after we know and walk with Jesus life still has challenges as we are transformed into the image of our Savio

My Memoir (with secrets!) releases!

2010-01-23T09:34:00.002-06:00

I'm thrilled to be able to announce the birthing of Thin Places! You can now buy it anywhere online and/or your local bookstore. Buy from Christian Book Distributors, Barnes & Noble, or Amazon. The Kindle version is a bit cheaper.

Here's the book trailer, in case you've missed it:

And here are a few things you can do (if you're so inclined) to help spread the word about this book:

Tell Ten! On February 5^th, Thin Place’s official release date, tell, text, email, or call ten friends and promote the book.
Post a review on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Shelfari.com, Goodreads.com, Epinions.com, Libarything.com, and/or CBD.com.
Invite me to keynote or speak for a retreat based on the message of this book. I also do a one-hour workshop at a local library, writers group, or bookstore entitled, “How to Write a Memoir.” I’d much rather teach something practical than simply do a booksigning. (I also love to speak to youth.)
Post your thoughts about the book on your blog, Facebook, or Twitter feed. Please email Tina Howard, who will coordinate my social media tour, at info@blogtourspot.com. Offer a giveaway to your online community.
Make influencing into a cool, giving game. Give the book to someone who’d like it, then say, “If you like it, would you be willing to buy another copy to pass onto a friend?” If your friend doesn’t like it, he/she can return the book to you and you can lend/give it again.
My friend Holly lends my books to her circle of friends at church. The only requirement? Each person who reads the book needs to write a note about the book on an inside page. It’s one clever way to create community.
Start a book-sharing revolution. Register your book at www.bookcrossing.com. And then leave it somewhere! Bookcrossing will track its adventures.
Recommend the book to your local book club. I’m available to chat via speakerphone (or in person if it’s near me).
Ask your local bookstore or library to stock the book.
Donate your book to a local prison ministry or women’s shelter.
Share the book trailer. Go to youtube.com and type in “Thin Places Mary DeMuth.” For those of you who minister to people hurt by neglect, sexual abuse, unsafe homes, or drugs, feel free to use this video as a teaching tool.
Give your book to a person of influence (pastor, ministry leader, counselor, Young Life leader, radio host).
And most important: consider giving the book to a friend who needs the message.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this announcement! I do pray many will be touched by the message of hope and healing in this book.

Raped by brother

2010-01-04T05:36:00.000-06:00

ANONYMOUS wrote this in response to this post about a brother's sexual abuse.

I was raped by my brother when I was about 10. I carried great pain for years until I cried and cried through a youth meeting when I was 16. A trusted friend got me to talk to him and he helped me understand that it was not my doing and was there for years to talk to me when the guilt and hate for my brother would rise up.

It wasn't until I was 36 that I felt the Lord tell me to fully forgive him. I did and have no pain or guilt now. Just memories of the events. God can take away the hatefullness of the crime. My mom still doesn't know of it, but those who helped me through were lifesaviors for me. I can now see, visit and hug my brother and not feel the pain, but only because God helped me to not only forgive with words but with my heart.

Advice for those escaping abusive marriages

2010-01-01T12:32:00.003-06:00

Anonymous posted on this blog post some good advice. Here's what she wrote:

My advice is to take your girls and get out. Call the national domestic abuse hotline for help with finding a place to live, where to go, how to feed your kids, etc. There is a LOT of help out there for us. I know how hard it is, but it only gets worse. You want to stay alive and be there for your kids.

You might be in shock or denial, but think of your kids. You probably want to "break the cycle of abuse." You don't want your lovely daughters to think it is okay for daddy to hit mommy and talk that way to her...nor for them to grow up and find someone like that. You do not deserve how you are being treated, and it is not right. He is not going to change on his own.

What advice would you give your daughter if she were grown up and married to a man like your husband? I hope that I am not harsh. I don't mean to be. I know how hard it is to be in your situation, but you have to get out!

Take your kids with you. Get far away. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? You could call Legal Aide to talk to a free lawyer in your area for advice. They do not take your husband's income level, just yours to help you with a free lawyer. But there's lots of free advice they can give too if you are working and making a lot of money and don't qualify for a free lawyer.

I know it is scary. God is carrying you right now. Draw near to Him. He won't let you down. Don't be bitter because of your sitation. You DO have a choice and you can get out. Find out legally what you can do to protect your kids from him legally and don't let him know you are leaving. Make plans and take along your kid's documents like original birth certificates, social security numbers, immunization records, etc. Your kids probably know what's going on and they need you to help them and keep them safe.

I am sorry for your situation. I had to leave this past summer with my kids. God has really pulled through for me. There is a LOT of help out there through department of human services. It's important to get help and safety for your kids. It doesn't stop on it's own. Leaving my husband brought about some changes in him of getting on medicine and in therapy and appreciating the kids more and spending more quality time with them.

Don't let him know. Plan ahead, gather your stuff and get out. Don't tell your girls until you are out and safe. Or if you are hit, call the cops and file a report. Police documentation is important for protecting your kids later on. I know it is so hard to do. But you can still protect them. You said you want to protect them at any cost. It is a high cost, but it is necessary. Please do protect them.

You are not helpless. In a way, your kids are. They need you. It is better on the other side away from the abusive situation. There is hope. After 4 months, I started to be able to think more clearly and all his thoughts and cruel comments weren't always in my mind. I have a full time job, a place to live for now (about 800 miles away near my family) and my kids are happier. They see their father for visits and even though it is hard, it is BETTER.

I am still healing. God is faithful. These are my passionate thoughts on this subject matter. I know it's cold reality, but these are some things that I heard and I own, and it helped me to be safe. I hope they help you too. May God protect you and your girls. Thanks for reaching out and posting this. You are not what your husband says you are. God gave you your kids and they need you.

Elizabeth's story: Missionary Husband Abused her

2009-12-31T08:39:00.002-06:00

Today we're privileged to have Elizabeth share her story of how she ended up divorcing her abusive missionary husband. I hope it encourages many. And please, let's not make this a place where we debate the issue of divorce. Instead, let's seek to understand and offer compassion to those who are abused.

****

I have no trouble sharing my experience. (I don't need to be anonymous. I am not ashamed of what God has done for me.) One of the greatest joys in my mission life was sharing what God can and will do in lives of people.

My home church sided with my husband. For a time I lost life time friends and finances (I gave him everything he asked for.) The Lord was good. My 1st husband couldn't take our home as it was mine and never really belonged to him. It was a mobile home that set on family property. He didn't want the children, so he gave up all parental rights. That was the biggest blessing as they didn't have to visit with him. So like Job I lost all, but then God blessed me with so much more. He has made the end of my life much more full than the beginning ever was.

I was 7 years in Brazil. It was there when my 7th child was born that I made the decision that lead to the beginning of our divorce. To make a long story short. After our son's birth my husband wanted to take us to our Brazilian home that was being remolded to his specifications. (I was told in no uncertain terms. "It didn't matter what I wanted.") This home was full of Brazilian workers and had no roof or ceiling. The mission we were serving with told my husband it was unfit for a sick woman and new born child. (I had major surgery and almost died in childbirth and had undergone several blood transfusions and was bed ridden)

My husband said no way was he going to allow us to stay in mission apartments (free of charge). The mission asked me and I agreed with the mission. That was the first time I ever in marriage went against a decision made my him. This was the beginning of the end as he could not believe I would not back him up in this decision. I was just too sick to live in a home full of dust and strangers walking through my bedroom all the time.

From that point on things just slowly progressed to a more dangerous situation. At one point he drove our vehicle in front of a oncoming 18 wheeler with the children and I in the car. It was his way to get me to submit to his demands. Yet, I still would not leave him. The children begged me to divorce, but I couldn't. It was not until our mission found out the extent of the problem that they stepped in and began to counsel with me. Even with that I couldn't. I did not believe in divorce.

I had a close friend that offered me a weekend away in another state to seek the Lord. I went and stayed in their motor home and while there the Lord brought a Pastor who I greatly admired. He and his wife spent an afternoon with me. He handed me his bible and said, "Liz, show me where a wife is to cover-up for her husband. When you find it, I will preach it." He went on to explain to me that submission does not mean abuse. I went home with a new look on a biblical view of marriage. But, I still could not leave or divorce.

When the mission called us in and asked us about a specific physical abuse that occurred one Thanksgiving Day, I knew I had two chooses. 1. tell the truth and try to get help or 2. keep hiding the pain in our home. I picked #1.

He went through months of counseling. I went for a time. The beginning of our counseling was more than excellent. I learned so much and mostly about how to council with others. However, when individual counselors were assigned to us I knew being the one counseled was not for me.

First off the counselor told me that even if my husband took my life or the life of our children, I would have to accept that as, "God does not allow anything to happen to us that is outside His will for our lives." Sorry, I don't buy that. Much happens to us that Jesus sheds tears for us too. God allows much in our lives that was not his will for us. Second they asked me to pray and thank God for my husband and the life we had. I told them, "You have to be kidding.". There was no way I was going to thank God for the years I lived through abuse or for the man that knowing and willingly caused them.

Mary, we serve a God of love. He grieves because of our abuse. He allows it as we don't live in a perfect world and he allows us to make our own choices. Do to a Pastor God brought into my life I saw that abuse is not God's plan for us. And God hates divorce as much as I do. But the scripture tells us that "God divorced Israel." Some things are required to be done so that God can give life and give it more abundantly. I serve an awesome God. My abusive situation didn't make me blame him, it held me to him. What would I have done without God?

I have 3 children in full time Christian service. My daughter and family just started her first term in PNG. I don't question if God is good. I know he is! My hearts desire is being lived out in the children that God gave me to see me through those hard years. It does not make my desire any less, but it blesses my heart that God blessed me in having a part of me serve on foreign soil.

Keep the work you are doing. God can take the worse of situations. (mine was far from some of the worse cases out there) and end them in joy, peace and blessings if God is put in the center of lives. He is the only answer to the pain that is brought into life, but those hurting must come to know him and love him. He is not punishing anyone. God is waiting with open hands to welcome the hurting so he can touch and heal. I know. He has taken the pain, helped me forgive and given me life and life more abundantly.

Guilt and Shame as She Looks at Porn

2009-12-30T18:38:00.001-06:00

From anonymous:

I have huge guilt and shame in my life. I am a woman who looks at porn.

I do not watch it on a daily basis and may even go months without looking...but somehow it always seems to creep back in to my life.

It started from curiosity, then grew because my husband and I were having problems and now it is a parasite that I can't kill.

There are days I am tempted and I flee, I then feel peace and know God is proud of me. Then, it never fails; two days later, I am back to looking at it again. Even when I am about to do it, I know better. I battle with myself over it but proceed anyway. Immediately after I am ashamed and feel like a total loser. I immediately ask for forgiveness, then feeling like God is tired of hearing me ask for it and He begins to ignore my requests. I ask God to help me and I put blocks on my computer...which never works, because I always tend to undo the blocks when the urge to look at porn grows larger.

I feel shame and regret and guilt and fear right after I have looked. I want this sin removed from my life...I try...I can go months and months without it, but it somehow creeps back in.

The guilt lasts long enough to get me through a few more months and then I am back... I want to be able to tell God I am done with it and for that statement to finally be true.

Short and telling

2009-12-29T07:57:00.000-06:00

From Anonymous:

Brandon, your grandfather is your father.

When a husband tends to prefer his mother

2009-12-17T12:13:00.000-06:00

From anonymous:

I deal with similar issues only my MIL got worse after our children were born. Let me just say she was anything but excited and happy when we announced our first pregnancy and even questioned me (because of course DH left it up to me to tell her) about it being what we really wanted.

My MIL holds grudges like there is no tomorrow, yet never openly tells you she is mad, you just know by actions. She under minds my authority, of our girls, at every change she gets because she's the grandma and can do whatever she wants. Her idea of being a grandma is taking the girls on shopping spree's, for clothing, a few times a year and spending between $300 and $600 each time.

I could go on, but will leave it at that. I've told DH about many of these things and he just blows it off, or calls and talks to her and then treats me like me and/or the girls are just being silly and to sensitive and have misunderstood her. Or he has an excuse for her. I'm so tired of excuses for why family members behave as they do. I had to grow up with excuse after excuse for people actions in my family and still do and now her too. But for DH when it comes to my side of the family the philosophy is actions speak louder than words. OK so maybe they just don't outright show any connection or compassion, but is buying love any better?

Sadly, it's now to the point that my oldest has listed "a new grandma" on her wish list. :( However, all I can do is put on my happy little, I'm so glad you are here, face and pretend everything is just fine, just like I always do. My girls will continue over looking her actions loving their grandmother as much as they can despite her actions. But some times I have to wonder if it's really worth it!? And believe me God and I talk about this all the time!

How do you deal with dysfuctional family members if everyone else likes the status quo?

2009-12-16T09:32:00.001-06:00

From Anonymous:

My in-law's are very manipulative and lie and basically that side of the family is very dysfunctional. My husband dealt with the behavior his entire life and still deals with it by simply ignoring it - or as he will say - he "black's out" or "zones out" during visits with them and then ignores everyone until the next get together.

I struggle to live a healthy, healed life with all the drama these people bring into our lives. I'd like to speak the truth so there can be a chance for healing but unless my husband wants that path I don't feel I can do much.

A tiny example is that his parents are divorced (for over 20 years) and his mom will call his dad to ask about us or her grandchildren...she won't come out and contact us directly... she will call to tell the dad she's mad at us or hurt by us but will never directly address the issues with us. When my husband has tried to talk to her she breaks down crying or going into deadly health issues but if we call for a fake conversation or send Christmas gifts she never mentions illness and is very sweet and pleasant.

How do we maintain healthy boundaries with these type of relationships? I feel like my secret is that my in-law's are very fake but I'm the only one that sees what is going on. Everyone, even the ex-husband thinks that they are nice and easy to get along with - which makes me feel worse and like I'm the problem person who can't just fall in line and plaster on a smile for appearances sake.

Because really I just want real caring people in my family's life!!

Mom had an affair with her best friend

2009-12-14T08:47:00.002-06:00

Anonymous wrote this in response to the post about a family member having an affair with someone of the same sex:

I had a similar situation. My sister and i found out that my mother was having an affair with her best friend. My younger sister saw them kissing, but we didnt know who to tell or what to do. Eventually my father found out and there was lots of rows and eventually they divorced. My mum then moved in with her female partner, who has turned out to be a physcopath. Its quite reassuring though to hear that others have been in a similar situation.

Abuse's Aftermath: Still Hope, but Timetable May Be Slow

2009-12-09T05:02:00.000-06:00

This comes as a comment from Monday's post.

From Anonymous:

I too grew up in an abusive situation. I don't think there is a time frame anyone can put on how long healing takes. It comes in stages and is differet for everyone.

I've been married for 16 years and have 2 children of my own. My family and I live 5 hours from one parent and 9 from the other....and I've spent 20 some years working on my healing which I do feel is "complete" in the life I live...away from my parents. Every time I go to one of their homes or they come here, there is always a feeling of a step or two backwards. It has lessened over the years by leaps and bounds of God's mercy and grace, yet things still come up....hurtful comments in passing, inferences, their wrong parental judgments of me, etc. I limit the amount of time my husband, children, and I spend around them, and we set healthy boundaries for when we are....and God heals the broken places slowly over time. But there is no time table, its just a piece of who I am now. It doesn't control me or define me, yet it is a part of me, my testimony, my walk with Him that keeps me humble, grateful, and dependent on Him.

I don't think there is a right or wrong level of healing in these situations....as long as you are safe, making progress, have experienced love and forgiveness and KNOW that you are not responsible for what happened to you. I think the goal is to create a testimony to the glory of God from your experiences, to continue to grow, learn, and heal....and be willing to be used of God...even in the broken places. Its in our weakness He is made perfect. There is no need to feel like you're failing, its just another lie from Satan to distract you from the amazing testimony of God in your life!

Blessings.

Yes, it's hard to get over abuse.

2009-12-08T08:00:00.001-06:00

This comes as a response from yesterday's post. Great stuff!

Anonymous writes: I understand exactly what you are saying and how you are feeling.

It has been many, many years since my abuses, by the actual abusers (if that makes sense). But the fears of upsetting someone, of making someone mad, of speaking up and out are still there. I am better, but still struggle especially with someone in a parental type of role or someone over me. In fact, on a funny note, my husband will tease me about standing up to him but no one else. But I know he TRULY loves me, not that I don't fear having to tell him something that could upset him, because even with him that fear is still there.

Above I said "actual abusers" because even though my dad was not specifically abusive, like my mom, he still did nothing to stop her and because of his actions today he makes me feel like I'm more of an obligation than a daughter. I feel like an outsider looking in when I'm with my dad and sisters and extended family. As a matter of fact due to some difficult situations where I could have used family support and didn't get it and was told I should have asked for it, I had to give up and just leave my dad and sister completely alone. The emotional feelings I would leave with when I saw them wasn't worth it.

I also understand the two step backwards. When I first went to counseling a lot of feelings, I never really knew I had came out, not that this is a bad thing, but once they came out and I learned how to deal with them it got to the point that counseling was more of a repeat. Meaning it only really resurfaced every other week feelings all over again so any wounds that were starting to heal were just being reopened. I finally quit going. Now if I have old feelings of hurt surface, thanks to God, I have friends I can go to for support, advice and more. Now and then you will run into people that don't want to hear about your "issues" and that will try to tell you you should not talk about the abuse, but talking about it is a wonderful, and important, way to heal (not that you should go out and advertise, but I think you know what I mean).

Give yourself some more time to heal, but don't close others out because you need others to help you heal also. Spend time praying and talking to God. Ask Him to lead you to the right group of people, and believe me when the time is right He will. I know this because He did it for me and my daughters and husband. I've learned that when you don't have blood family that truly loves you, God has a way of sending you adopted family.

I will pray you find the peace and people you want and need!

Does the aftermath of abuse go away?

2009-12-07T01:48:00.000-06:00

From anonymous (who wrote the Thank You Note on Friday):

When you are emotionally abused all your life and you finally break free, when does the symptoms of the aftermath go away? It's been two and a half years since I first walked away, but only since March when the persecution by the abuser finally stopped (i.e. no more church gossip, no more attempts at isolating me from my church, etc). The abuser is my mother and her family.

I am okay most of the time. My faith is stronger. I saw God work in that situation, and I see God work in my life and others all the time now. My outlook is better, but I've noticed my confidence is a bit lower. I feel myself withdrawing from groups when I used to be so gregarious. I am still very healthy mind-wise, but I just wonder when I will feel confident again and less quiet in groups?

If you have been in recovery from the abuser for many years, can you help me in this area? I tell my husband these symptoms. He understands. I never would tell anyone else. A friend convinced me to see a counselor. He even paid for it. It helped me find closure. I only went for one session.

However, every time someone (who knows the situation with my family) mentions they saw them or how well they are doing or this counselor calls me to check up on me every so often, I feel like I am taking two steps backwards after taking five steps forward.

Does anyone understand how I feel? I'm the one who wrote about my mother and the fake myspace. I am also the one who wrote the above thank you note.

A Thank You from Anonymous

2009-12-04T13:46:00.000-06:00

From Anonymous:

Dear Readers and Mary,

It is so refreshing to step into this blog and feel surrounded by people who have walked my path all ready. Their sensitivity, their support, and the overwhelming amount of love and understanding is wonderful.

Thank you for making me feel as if I am not alone in my situation. Abuse is nothing to dismiss or trivilize. Some of the most helpful of hearts who surround me do not understand where I come from and what I went through. At times I feel like I just returned from war with my soul intact and my spirit high. I thank God for this. This difficulty, which encompasses my whole life, has only made my faith stronger.

What a great idea, Mary. It's a safe place to pour ones heart out and a great place to give a chance for someone else to be encouraged or helped by our own situations. The way I see it--With God anything is possible. God bless you!

Prodigal Girl Turned Woman

2009-12-02T16:06:00.000-06:00

From anonymous:

I was baptized before I became a teenager. I left my walk of faith for many years immediately after my baptism.

I was molested when I was 5 until I was 12 years old by several different men; one as old as fifty. I watched my mother being abused by her husband and I myself was abused by him, physically. I became promiscuous when I was 12 and I lost my virginity at that time. I felt my body was nothing more than a tool to be used for sex. I was a self-mutilator during my promiscuity because the emotions I had were too strong to deal with. I had two female sexual encounters, eleven male sexual partners (one who raped me), I got pregnant twice and had abortions both times (even though I was strongly against it). I was brutally, physically abused by a boyfriend and almost lost my life during this time.

After all of those instances occurred I became severely depressed and turned away from God and towards drugs and heavy thoughts of suicide. I smoked marijuana daily during my depression. When I was 19 my mother’s husband confronted me sexually when I was changing clothes in my room, I barely escaped rape that day.

After that day my depression and drug use became heavier. I took ecstasy three times, acid once, smoked opium once, snorted ridilin occasionally, and drank alcohol. I sought counseling and stopped the drugs. I married and still lived recklessly. I took provocative photos and e-mailed them to a man in the beginning of my marriage, discussed sex with this man over the phone and internet my second year of marriage and had an affair later with another man.

I had a lot of shame, guilt and depression. However, God used all of those things to bring me closer to Him. I found my way back like the wayward son. My husband forgave me and we are stronger now than ever. I have found love and security in my Lord and Savior. My shame and guilt still linger at times and I had to get this off my chest to feel I could move forward. Pray for me to find peace with my past and look toward my future with Christ. No one knows all these things about me. Telling this was scary.

Her 2nd Husband Preyed on Daughter and now they're living together

2009-12-01T07:01:00.001-06:00

From ANONYMOUS:

My 2nd husband fell in love with my daughter from 1st marriage.

We divorced. He lives with her- everyone (even my other children) believes they are father and daughter.

Its so sick. She was 10 when we married. She is 35 now. Her life is ruined. No dating, no children. Total guilt. He planned the abuse for years but didn't act on it until she was 18.

Pray for my daughter.

Would love an apology

2009-11-23T05:30:00.000-06:00

Anonymous wrote this in response to this post about abusing someone else and asking for forgiveness.

I would love to hear an apology or be asked to forgive my abusers. But that will never happen. My grandfather is dead. My mom doesn't see that she ever did anything wrong. I've tried imagining what would happen if I ever saw her again and told her I forgive her and it's not a pretty image. I could see her smacking me for being disrespectful and then to proceed to tell me I should be asking for forgiveness not the other way around.

Receiving an apology from those that knew about the abuses but did nothing to protect me would be nice too but there again I know I will never get that.

I too pray that those who have abused will find the strength to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

I also pray that those who are abuse survivors can find a way to forgiven even if you don't receive an apology. Life without forgiving those that hurt you is more difficult because you can't let go of the hurt, anger, pain. Forgiving is something that you might have to do over and over again, I do, but doing so makes my life happier. Always remember that we should forgive because God forgives us.

Feeling of forgiveness followed the words

2009-11-20T05:27:00.001-06:00

Anonymous wrote this in response to this post about the journey of forgiveness.

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I too dealt with molestation, and then my mom accused me of seducing my step-father at 5 years old. I was only able to forgive because God gave me the power.

In my situation, I saw a man at an altar who repented of rape. God asked me if I had any trouble forgiving him and accepting him as a brother in Christ. When I found I did not, God asked me why then would I be any different than that man's victim. So, I began to pray about it. Eventually, God told me that I did not have to forgive, but simply be a vessel that He could use. When I finally reunited with my step-father, the words of forgiveness came out of my mouth without my planning, but the feeling of forgiveness followed the words.

A dark cloud had followed me for years as I thought the whole world could tell I was a victim, but that seemed to disappear when I let God forgive my step-father through me. I still remember the events from our past, and people tried to say I had to forget to truly forgive, but God showed me this was not true. He forgave Israel for their unbelief, but they still walked in the wilderness one year for each day of their doubt. If we forget, we cannot learn, but in forgiving, we can be set free from remembering with a desire for retaliation attached.

Here's what I have found to be most important: We let go and let God and eventually hope to be free enough to see our victimizers the same way I saw the repentant rapist. Why? Because anything we still hold onto can be a divider between us and our Creator who loves us. He simply does not want to be rejected by us, and if we try to face our issues on our own, we must turn away from Him in order to do so. However, if we trust our issues into His hands, we can face them and still face Him at the same time.

If you abused someone else, prayerfully consider apologizing

2009-11-18T09:42:00.002-06:00

FROM ANONYMOUS: (in response to this post)

I'd have to agree that, as one that had been sexually abused, hearing from the abuser asking for forgiveness would mean so much. I still question my memories but in my heart of hearts, I know what happened. I don't know if it is because one of the perpetrators ( there were more than one) was my dad. It goes so against the grain of what a normal father/daughter relationship should be.

My dad was upstanding in so many other ways. I also think I suffer because my feelings were always minimized and if I spoke up about what was troubling me...I was told I was too sensitive. I still struggle trying to reconcile that my sensitivity is a gift and God gave it to me to help comfort and be there for others. When you are told that you are "making a big deal out of nothing" ( about everything) it has been hard to stand firm and lay the responsibility for good with my father, especially ( and other perpetrators). I still struggle with that. If I couldv'e heard words of admitting blame...I just think it would help.

My dad has passed away and the others I just don't know.

One big thing though is that I agree that you also should seek some wise counsel before you approach this with those you abused. Make sure it is a Christain who works with the sexually abused and you can then get your head straight about how to proceed and in the process that you would also get healing for your abuse. ( through this confession and through your own pain as a victim) I know those who are abused can very well abuse. I speak from experience as I was tempted to abuse my own children. I don't take any credit for not doing it, it was God's grace...I just know I was very capable to do it so I cannot sit in any judgment.

Please get all the help you need. God would want that for you and you deserve it.

Husband put them into debt

2009-11-17T05:28:00.000-06:00

From Anonymous:

I am married to a christian man who has been cheerless and has told me over and over he isn't interested in hearing my hopes, dreams, or how my day is. Recently I found out he has put us into incredible debt. As a direct result, we have to sell our house to pay these bills. I was within a few years of retirement and now I have to work many more years.

Even though I am a Christian I decided to leave my husband and begin again on my own and grab some happiness before I die. Many understand..others do not. My husband asks how I can call myself a christian and file for divorce. Never mind what he has put us through. What he says has hurt my prayer life and damaged my relationship with God. BUT I am determined to recover myself financially, spiritually and emotionally. I am a Christian. And I am getting a divorce.

Journey of Forgiveness--a long one

2009-11-16T01:03:00.000-06:00

ANONYMOUS wrote:

You don't know how relieved I was when I learned that I could forgive my mom without allowing her to be part of my life.

After things became common knowledge regarding my grandfathers abuse I still had to see him. Luckily he didn't molest me any longer but he was mentally and emotionally abusive. The excuse given was because he felt guilty. To be honest with you I'm so sick of different family members being given excuses for their actions and it usually stemming from something I did wrong. But that's another story. My grandfather died when I was 14. I didn't know exactly what forgiveness meant but my mom accused me of not forgiving him. Well, had someone helped me through everything maybe I could have!?

Even after all of this I dealt with abuse from my mom. I got married and she was not part of my wedding and that was 15 years ago but I did see her month later at my sisters graduation and I just trembled in fear. So it's been that long since I've seen her. At that point I hadn't forgiven her, again I didn't know what forgiveness meant.

Four years later my oldest daughter was born and I started going to church and learning about forgiveness. But the thought of forgiving this woman was not something I could imagine. Especially with a child. Why would I want to forgive and allow her to be part of my life and chance her hitting or treating my child the way she did me? No one, not even the minister that was counseling me told me I could forgive without having a relationship with my abuser and that God never expected me to put myself nor my family in harms way. It wasn't until I found a new church and a loving church family that I learned all of this.

I often wonder why God did allow me to find this out sooner. But I think He knew I was not completely ready, mentally and emotionally, to go through the forgiving process.

I can't say forgiving my mom is a done deal because there are still memories that trigger anger and hurt but at least now I can forgive here again and again as these surface.

Husband is a cross dresser

2009-11-13T02:40:00.000-06:00

From Anonymous:

I woke up in the middle of the night one night and caught my husband dressed up as a woman...it scared the crap out of me...

He is a cross dresser and yet such a masculine man...I was devastated...after being a victim of sexual abuse as a child and growing through that...this is something I don't know how to deal with. He says he stopped but I know better...even if there is no evidence at home...

love him a lot, but don't trust as usual...I guess I am no better because I catch me looking at stuff I shouldn't be looking at in lust. Sexual abuse screws with our minds and hearts...:O(

A place to start with forgiveness

2009-11-12T03:45:00.000-06:00

In response to this post about boundaries, anonymous wrote,

Your one line " Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation," knocked me out. I have had a hard time forgiving with the thought that I would have to let this person back in my life if I did. I know I can't do that. We have never had a close loving relationship. Never. But I think I can give it to God. But is that really dealing with the issues I have. Like my anger and bitterness and resentment. But for the first time I think I have a place to start. Thank you.

Abused, then abused. Painful, painful.

2009-11-11T03:43:00.001-06:00

From anoymous

I'd like to apologize to a family member - scared!!

I was sexually abused as a child by older children...and in turn I abused younger children. I have struggled with guilt over this for years - over 20. From about ages 6-10 I molested younger children (ages 2-6)... I became a Christian at 20 and still struggle with feeling forgiven.

I would like to apologize but am soo afraid of ripping apart this person's life and family life. I feel like keeping secrets only leads to more pain but don't even know how to begin a conversation or apology. I don't want to justify anything I've done but also don't want the person to think I was evil and attacked them. Basically I played sexual games with children just as that had been done to me.

I know how horrible and wrong it was...I think at the time I knew something wasn't right about it because I was terrified of my parents finding out...but I'd like advice on how to move forward and how to ask for forgiveness from the other person.

I feel so ugly just writing these words. I know that Jesus loves me, but I need to know he forgives me for what I have done. And, I still struggle with what was done to me. Is there any advice also on how to teach my young children about sex so they can know their own boundaries and to help them stay pure and innocent children (I"m devastated that my purity was ripped from me at a young age, and disgusted that I took other children's purity as well).

Thank you for your advice and guidance.

Her Husband sexually abused daughter

2009-11-10T03:41:00.001-06:00

From anonymous:

I found out that my husband of 21 years has been sexually abusing our daughter for a decade. I forced him to leave six months ago, after which, my daughter told me everything. I couldn't believe it all. It was and is still devastating. He has since been arrested and facing many charges including child molestation, aggravated child molestation and incest. I will never understand how this could happen. Of course now my kids and I struggle with how to deal with a trial where she will have to testify in front of him. There is much more to our story. Maybe I will find the courage to share. Prayer, family and friends have been vital to our welfare in the last several months.

Her Brother abused her: she suppressed it.

2009-11-09T03:37:00.000-06:00

From anonymous:

My innocence was taken from me, before I even had the chance to revel in it.

I was molested, sexually abused by my half brother. When I try and bring up the memory, my brain wants to repress it, wants to forget, or confuses itself into wondering if such horrendous acts where done to me. Sadly they were. I was only about 7 or 8 years old when it started, it's all hazy but I can surely remember distinct moments. Degrading moments that I know would be almost virtually impossible for a child that young to even think up on her own. Besides, the feelings of uncertainty, fear, and the gnawing feeling this isn't right are too real to for my imagination to conjure up. I learned from then on to keep secrets, to not ask for help, I remember trying helpless to push him off, but I failed and he continued to abuse me until he moved away a couple years later. From the very first incident, I became a victim of my own self. Learned to shut people away, hide feelings, blame myself and thoroughly convince myself that something in me was defective and that's why I was the only little girl who had to carry around this burden.

Carrying me to today, a confused young lady. I see my magnitude and potential in me, but the scars and wounds get in the way. I revel in my recklessness to try and shove away the confusion and pain i hold in my heart. I constantly turn to Jesus trying to ask why, to ask for salvation, warmth of grace, some sort of reassurance that there is reason for why I went down the road I had to travel, that I will eventually flourish and become the Image he sees me as that I can not seem to see.

I carry a slew of emotions of guilt, resentment , anger, sadness, and more. I know i will carry this to my grave, there is no way I can ever open this up to my parents. How do you tell your ailing father his first born son scarred his first born daughter. On top learning to hold secrets, I've learned to also carry anyone's burden on my own shoulders to just to help rid them of their own. I rather suffer, than have anyone else suffer.

I was blessed and cursed with compassion, a compassion this world devastating lacks. I learned to forgive, I constantly forgive in my heart.. Yet all the forgiving as left me torn up to shreds living me listless. leaving me so torn, at times embittered at myself and those around me.

For one person's instability scarring me has left me utterly in the dark in my own life. I constantly am battling myself. The good me vs the bad reckless me. The strong survivor me vs the hanging by the single thread me. Somedays i feel helpless, and feel that i will never be understood, and i will be alone with my demons. concluding my thinking of wishing I could be free my pain and taken away from my misery. I've tried. Even had a gun to my head, no one ever knows that part. But because of the incessant battling, i lucked out never pulled the trigger.

I forgive. I forgive for all the pain in my life, from any different outlets. But why do i feel like i do not heal. The moment i start to heal something undoes the process.

Still i have hope, a sliver of hope. That maybe I will find inner peace. That sliver of hope may be the only thing keeping me together.

Till then, I will hide behind my smile, and hope that one day, someone will really look behind it and see the pain buried deep in my eyes.